WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The leaders of ISIS and Al Qaeda said on Friday that they were totally perplexed as to why Donald J. Trump had not yet invited them to the White House.via Leaders of ISIS and Al Qaeda Puzzled Why Trump Has Not Invited Them to White House
“Traitors put a lot of thought, planning, and subtletly into every one of their actions and utterances,” he said. “When I look at these so-called acts of treason, I have to ask, Where’s the professionalism? Where’s the work ethic? The sloppiness and sheer idiocy of it all is jaw-dropping.via “I Was Never This Blatant,” Says Benedict Arnold in Hell
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are demanding an investigation into why, if F.B.I. operatives managed to infiltrate the 2016 Trump campaign, they utterly failed to prevent a nightmarish despot from being elected.via Public Demands Investigation of Why F.B.I. Infiltrators in Trump Campaign Failed to Prevent Him from Being Elected
The White House press secretary said that Trump “took the initiative” to award himself the Peace Prize rather than “waiting around” for the Nobel committee.Trump Orders Replica Nobel Peace Prize to Display on His Desk
To put it next to his fake Time Man of the Year cover?
Trump said that El Chapo’s “tremendous success in the private sector” showed that he has what it takes to “shake things up” at the D.E.A.
BTW, The Borowitz report is satire. It’s clearly tagged as satire.
While millions have been vexed for some time by their failure to explain basic information to dolts, that frustration has now reached a breaking point.
Former Texas Governor Rick Perry, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, and neurosurgeon Ben Carson are just a few of the men thought to be considering squandering time and money pursuing an office that they will never occupy in a billion years.
“A lot of everyday people have gay friends, and they’re not afraid to call and/or e-mail you to tell you that,” Pence said. “To be honest, I’m still trying to process it all.”
Kerry said that the government’s successful identification of a moderate Syrian rebel was a major victory that should silence critics of the U.S.’s strategy in Iraq and Syria.
Andy Borowitz doing a great job pointing out how mock-worthy the moderate rebel strategy is.
Testing the political waters in Iowa today, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that if he is elected President, he would bring the flow of illegal immigrants over the U.S.-Mexico border to a virtual standstill.
Andy Borowitz will be here all week. Try the veal.
Telling Congress, “It’s O.K., I don’t mind doing everything myself,” President Obama prepared to sign a passive-aggressive executive order on Tuesday.
A ten-year European plan to gradually phase out American football in the United States and replace it with soccer is “very much on track,” a spokesman for the European Union confirmed today.
Andy Borowitz, out soccer trolling Ann Coulter. Except he’s funny.
Despite NASA’s repeated instructions to the Hubble to look for evidence of water on distant planets, the telescope continued to produce more and more self-portraits, posting them to its Instagram and Twitter accounts along with the hashtag #pimpin.
Justice Scalia added that the Voting Rights Act had "thrust upon the shoulders of millions of Americans the terrible and unwanted burden of exercising their rights in a democracy."
"These charges send a clear message," the spokesman said. "In the United States, you can't spy on people."
Warning that "the American people don't have an endless appetite for meaningless political theater," Cantor added, "If we're going to do something that's purely symbolic, pointless, and detached from reality, I say it should be repealing Obamacare for the thirtieth or fortieth time."