Funny

Yoga With Cats

Yoga With Cats:

Ingrid King, a cat blogger, practices reiki, a healing therapy that involves the transfer of energy from person to person or, in Ms. King’s case, person to cat.

Announcing SyntaxNet: The World’s Most Accurate Parser Goes Open Source

Announcing SyntaxNet: The World’s Most Accurate Parser Goes Open Source:

Parsey McParseface is built on powerful machine learning algorithms that learn to analyze the linguistic structure of language, and that can explain the functional role of each word in a given sentence. Because Parsey McParseface is the most accurate such model in the world, we hope that it will be useful to developers and researchers interested in automatic extraction of information, translation, and other core applications of NLU.

It’s called Parsey McParseface. Really. Parsey McParseface. Because. Just because.

The Rise Of The Lumbersexual

The Rise Of The Lumbersexual:

He looks like a man of the woods, but works at The Nerdery, programming for a healthy salary and benefits. His backpack carries a MacBook Air, but looks like it should carry a lumberjack’s axe. He is the Lumbersexual.

Last week they were called hipsters. Did we need a new word?

I Don’t Support Feminism If It Means Murdering All Men

I Don’t Support Feminism If It Means Murdering All Men:

Like any other socially conscious woman, I am a firm believer in gender equality. Ending workplace discrimination, making reproductive health care affordable—I’ve championed these goals my whole life. They’re important to me, and that’s why the feminist movement frustrates me so much. I’m sorry, but I simply cannot and will not support feminism if it means murdering all men.

The Onion. This is just too funny.

The TSA really doesn't like it when you take your Nobel Prize in your carry-on

The TSA really doesn't like it when you take your Nobel Prize in your carry-on:

"They’re like, ‘Sir, there’s something in your bag.’ I said, ‘Yes, I think it’s this box.’ They said, ‘What’s in the box?’ I said, ‘a large gold medal,’ as one does. So they opened it up and they said, ‘What’s it made out of?’ I said, ‘gold.’ And they’re like, ‘Uhhhh. Who gave this to you?’ ‘The King of Sweden.’ ‘Why did he give this to you?’ ‘Because I helped discover the expansion rate of the universe was accelerating.’

GWAR to open its own restaurant, GWARbar, in Richmond this summer

GWAR to open its own restaurant, GWARbar, in Richmond this summer:

GWARbar will not merely be a place to gorge on delectable food-stuffs whilst hoisting endless flagons of liquid glee…it will not be just a shrine and showcase to the undeniable visual impact of the world’s most infamous metal band…the opening of the GWARbar will be the singularly most important culinary event to occur since the invention of the spoon!

GWAR. Really. GWAR.

People that Argue 'SNL' Is No Longer Relevant Need to Open their F**king Eyes

People that Argue 'SNL' Is No Longer Relevant Need to Open their F**king Eyes:

If SNL were the Kevin Bacon game, you could connect every great sitcom to it in one step. The composition of the comedy world is made up of more SNL alums than any other show.

Everyone has an SNL was funny until… story. The fact that those stories continue to this day should be telling us something.

I think we are just now getting to the point where we will hear The Daily Show was funny until stories.

Interview with Hyperbole and a Half's Allie Brosh

Interview with Hyperbole and a Half's Allie Brosh:

People will give me a hard time about how they see my art as shitty. And I’m like, “I spend a long time drawing each picture.” You’d be surprised how much of a difference changing the size of an eye or shaving a little bit off the end of a mouth can make and how those small details affect the feeling conveyed by the art. Really a lot of work goes into this simplistic-looking drawing. I have the ability to draw things more realistically, but I feel like the simplistic style is more useful to what I’m trying to do.

I’ve always been intrigued by the difference between her comically warped humans and far more realistic dogs and cats. Its almost as if she sees humans as far more surreal and cats and dogs as more human.

An Apology to Donald Trump: Please Keep Talking

An Apology to Donald Trump: Please Keep Talking:

every little thing he says and does should be covered fully and thoroughly. Because the more that happens, it seems, the more Trump is revealed to be unserious and manipulative. It’s like forcing a kid to smoke a carton of cigarettes. The only thing that will alleviate America’s taste for Donald Trump is more exposure to Donald Trump.

Excellent point. Likewise, Mr. Trump should be encouraged to get into twitter arguments with comedians.

Negaunee Michigan is home to the only natural luge track in the US.

Negaunee Michigan is home to the only natural luge track in the US.:

Natural luge tracks are tracks that are used for naturbhan (from the German “natural track”) luge competitions. Tracks are often located along mountain roads and paths. The track surface is made of packed snow and ice, with a slope of not more than 1.5%. Unlike it’s Olympic counterpart “kunstbahn” (artificial track) luge, natural tracks are to be adapted to the natural conditions and artificial refrigeration and banking are prohibited.

Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City

Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City:

Drenched in drying blood and limping slightly, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg triumphantly stated this morning that the city’s longstanding homeless problem had finally been solved. “Homelessness is over—it’s not a problem anymore,” a winded Bloomberg said to a City Hall press conference while gripping the lectern tightly to prevent his hands from shaking. “I fixed the problem. Problem solved.” 


The Onion. Wow. 

G.O.P. Split Over Whether to Waste Time Investigating Benghazi or Repealing Obamacare

G.O.P. Split Over Whether to Waste Time Investigating Benghazi or Repealing Obamacare

Warning that "the American people don't have an endless appetite for meaningless political theater," Cantor added, "If we're going to do something that's purely symbolic, pointless, and detached from reality, I say it should be repealing Obamacare for the thirtieth or fortieth time."

The election is only two weeks away, which means the political arguments are getting pretty heated-particularly on Facebook, where intelligent discussion is something one can only dream of. Unpolitic.me takes those annoying political posts and replaces them with Instagram pictures.

The election is only two weeks away, which means the political arguments are getting pretty heated-particularly on Facebook, where intelligent discussion is something one can only dream of. Unpolitic.me takes those annoying political posts and replaces them with Instagram pictures.
Unpolitic.me Replaces Political Facebook Posts with Links to Cat Pictures

Coyote V. Acme

Coyote V. Acme

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote’s forelimbs to a length of fity feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote’s body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

The use of the MuslimRage hashtag has shown me that I have completely underestimated the comedy potential of the word falafel.

If Michael Bay were to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge, he would likely have the bridge explode as a jet fighter and a giant robot simultaneously collide with the bridge.

The summer Olympics should be split into Spring, Summer and Fall Olympics.

Next up, competitive Beer Pong, Germany versus Belgium. Talking about the origin of the beer, not the countries.

Congratulations to the survivors of this year’s olympic javelin catch competition, you did great guys. Lets hope you make it to the 2016 olympics in one piece.

You know you’re unhealthy when a mosquito bites you and then throws up.

Does Katie Holmes get to keep her scientology super powers or will Xenu take them back?

Google simulates the human brain with 1000 machines, 16000 cores and a love of cats

Google simulates the human brain with 1000 machines, 16000 cores and a love of cats

Mountain view’s secret lab stitched together 1,000 computers totaling 16,000 cores to form a neural network with over 1 billion connections, and sent it to YouTube looking for cats.

This might make it easier to find videos of cats on YouTube. About time.

it's the story of a slightly awkward delivery of dry goods to a government warehouse.

The reason the SpaceX Dragon is big news is not because the unmanned spacecraft is huge or advanced or armed with photon torpedoes. It's news because it's a privately built and privately funded vehicle, ushering us into a shining new era in which space travel becomes banal and tedious. If you read the account of the mission and substitute "Peterbilt" for "Dragon," "loading dock" for "International Space Station" and "Bakersfield" for "orbit," you'll see that once you get over the whole "vacuum of space" thing, it's the story of a slightly awkward delivery of dry goods to a government warehouse.
Alt Text: In Space, No One Can Hear You Haul | Underwire | Wired.com

Tigersharktiger : 5 Horrifying Combo Monsters for Syfy Creature Features

Tigersharktiger : 5 Horrifying Combo Monsters for Syfy Creature Features

The tiger shark is the second most deadly shark, and the most deadly one that isn't completely played out. Now combine a tiger shark with a creature that's been called "the tiger shark of the jungle" - the tiger! Now you've got something that will have Syfy's readers on the edge of, or near the edge of, their seats. And we're setting ourselves up for the sequel: Tigersharktiger vs. Sealionlion, and of course the second sequel, Seasharkliger!

I want to see the internet forum speculation about Seasharkliger vs Sealionlion.

Producer Irving Thalberg would often call people in for meetings, and then keep them waiting in his office for hours while he attended other meetings on the MGM lot....One day, Thalberg came back from another meeting to find Groucho Marx, Chico Marx, and Harpo Marx sitting in his office completely naked, and roasting potatoes on sticks in his office fireplace. Thalberg sat down with them, had a potato, and never missed or interrupted another meeting with the Marx Brothers.

Producer Irving Thalberg would often call people in for meetings, and then keep them waiting in his office for hours while he attended other meetings on the MGM lot….One day, Thalberg came back from another meeting to find Groucho Marx, Chico Marx, and Harpo Marx sitting in his office completely naked, and roasting potatoes on sticks in his office fireplace. Thalberg sat down with them, had a potato, and never missed or interrupted another meeting with the Marx Brothers.
A Night at the Opera (1935) - Trivia - IMDb

If humans one day become extinct from a catastrophic collision, we would be the laughing stock of aliens in the galaxy, for having a large brain and a space program, yet we met the same fate as that pea-brained, space program-less dinosaurs that came before us. - Neil deGrasse Tyson

If humans one day become extinct from a catastrophic collision, we would be the laughing stock of aliens in the galaxy, for having a large brain and a space program, yet we met the same fate as that pea-brained, space program-less dinosaurs that came before us. - Neil deGrasse Tyson
We Can Survive Killer Asteroids - But It Won’t Be Easy | Wired Science | Wired.com

Dick Cheney got a heart transplant and no one makes a joke about W getting a brain and the Neocons finding courage?

I’m waiting for Romney to flip-flop on cheesy grits and admit that aren’t that tasty.

The Oscar’s big idea to get a younger demographic is to add Cirque Du Soleil?

I can’t help but think that Chris Christie would have been much more receptive of the same sex marriage bill if it were covered in gravy and served with fries.

The statistical sample set of “All my friends on Facebook” has a margin of error of around +/-50%


One of the most technically difficult parts of Brant’s job however is dealing with space cats.

Wasn’t it groundhog’s day yesterday? Why did I see all the same people on the subway today? Something odd is going on.

Future Santorum Headlines

  • Santorum leaves mark on South Carolina
  • Santorum puts pressure on Romney
  • Santorum presence upsets Romney
  • Media finds it hard to ignore Santorum
Ok, I’m done with this.

Top Secret Santa

This year we are doing Top Secret Santa at work. Gifts will be exchanged after hours via anonymous dead drops. Gifts are wrapped in clean rooms (to minimize DNA and environmental evidence contaminating the gifts) by technicians who are sworn to secrecy.

I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a Chia pet.

When we dissect the cube of heaven we see that it is constructed like a living cell with its own system of energy circulation and metabolism. (See diagram) From all appearances it is a giant soular battery/generator which allows the ONE mind of the collective G.O.D. to be able to feed off the life essences of the enslaved souls held within its "temple pillars" and redirect their energies according to the will of the ONE. ... Will YOU be a "pillar" in the temple of God? (via Awesome New UFO Theory: Approaching Comet is Really a Borg Cube From Jesus)

Cyber Monday sounds like the commemoration of a Robot uprising, not a convenient day to goof off by shopping online when you should be working.


This explains why my perpetual motion machine hasn’t arrived yet.

a bunch of people got together, with each group bringing what it could - the Wampanoag brought deer, the Pilgrims apparently shot some birds, etc.. Then everyone shared equally in the feast - regardless of how much they brought to the table. Socialism!

a bunch of people got together, with each group bringing what it could - the Wampanoag brought deer, the Pilgrims apparently shot some birds, etc.. Then everyone shared equally in the feast - regardless of how much they brought to the table. Socialism!
Thanksgiving Is Un-American - NYTimes.com

Guy at work added “Sent from my iPhone5” to his blackberry emails. Had me fooled for a second.

Seven women have accused Mr Cain of sexual harassment. One more and then the 9th one is free.

If I see someone in an odd costume I don’t recognize, I’m going to assume they’re dressed as Lady GaGa.

Noone knows.

When I see someone write noone for no one, I like to pretend they are talking about Peter Noone from Herman’s Hermits.

Noone cleaned the break room. That was nice of him! Thanks Peter.

The first person to make a global warming comment about the slushy snow in October without acknowledging it was tee shirt weather last weekend can please STFU.

Watching someone use AOL on an iPad is like watching someone pull a plow with a segway.

Layoffs Are Necessary If We Want To Keep The Lights On Says CEO Halfway Through Tasting Menu

Layoffs Are Necessary If We Want To Keep The Lights On,' Says CEO Halfway Through Tasting Menu The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Following a 20-minute period in which the executive and his colleague sampled a lobster broth hors doeuvre arriving compliments of the chef and listened to the maitre d explain how the lobster had been flown in from Maine that morning, Byatt reasoned that, although it pained him to say so, his company could definitely stand to lose about a dozen people in sales, and roughly another 15 or 20 in the marketing and production divisions.

Preparing for hurricane by boarding up neighbor’s windows. Keeping boards up until neighbor buys blinds and/or pants.

I’m shocked that Gadaffi had a crush on Condi Rice. I always thought he would be into the Edie McClurg type.


Schrodinger’s Nyan Cat

Voldemort's nose

When the last Harry Potter book came out; I joked that the final horcrux would be Voldemort’s nose. Attached to fake eyeglasses and mustache. After thinking about it more, this could be a final sequel: Harry Potter and the Horcrux Nose.

Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon

Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commissioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing for their safety. Known for her outlandish costumes and geometric polygon hair, the criminal madwoman made a daring escape from Arkham Asylum last week and has been taunting authorities by interrupting television broadcasts ever since. “If you ever want to see Commissioner Gordon again, you’ll do exactly as I say,” Lady Gaga said from her secret lair, adjusting her angular yellow Tyvek and spandex dress as henchmen danced menacingly around the bound commissioner.

From Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon


Too funny.

He literally misused the word literally.

Pakistani Intelligence Announces Its Full Cooperation With U.S. Forces During Upcoming Top Secret June 12 Drone Strike On Al-Qaeda At 5:23 A.M. Near Small Town Of Razmani In North Waziristan | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

That warm Irish reception is going to get icy cold once they figure out his name isn’t spelled O’Bama.

The 140-Character One-Liner

It’s a laugh every 140 characters for these tweeters, from Patton Oswalt and Rainn Wilson to Steve Martin and Sarah Silverman.

From Wired

140 Characters is the new haiku. But is is also the perfect format for quips.

My version of fantasy football would involve teams of orcs and goblins and a dragon in each endzone.

Was yakety-sax playing when that French guy from the IMF was chasing the maid around the room?

Pornography found in bin Laden hideout

The pornography recovered in bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, consists of modern, electronically recorded video and is fairly extensive, according to the officials, who discussed the discovery with Reuters on condition of anonymity.

The officials said they were not yet sure precisely where in the compound the pornography was discovered or who had been viewing it. Specifically, the officials said they did not know if bin Laden himself had acquired or viewed the materials.

Reports from Abbottabad have said that bin Laden’s compound was cut off from the Internet or other hard-wired communications networks. It is unclear how compound residents would have acquired the pornography.


From Pornography found in bin Laden hideout


Anyone want to guess what he was into?

A lot of instrumental music sounds like a ring tone that goes on forever with no one picking up the damn phone.

We have one Earth day a year but 52 Sun days. How is that fair?

There should be a twitter version of angry birds where you go after the fail whale. Once the whale is knocked down, your tweet would post. Not sure if this would increase or decrease tweets posted.

Maher: 'Governing This Country With Republicans is Like Rooming With a Meth Addict'

When you go down the list of useless distractions that make up the Republican Party agenda; public unions and Sharia law, anchor babies and a mosque at ground zero, ACORN and National Public Radio, the war on Christmas, the New Black Panthers, Planned Parenthood, Michelle Obama's war on desserts...

...you realize that one reason nothing gets done in America is that one of the political parties puts so much more into fantasy problems. Governing this country with Republicans is like rooming with a meth addict.

You want to address real life problems like when the rent is due and they're saying "How can you even think of that stuff when there's police scanner voices coming out of the air conditioning unit?"

From Maher

Too funny not to share

I have a great idea for a Charlie Sheen / Andy Dick buddy cop movie. With Gary Busey as the police chief if we can get him.

If conservatives are right about recognition of same sex relationships then Facebook will soon let you set your relationship status to Married to Box Turtle. We’ll soon see just how slippery that slope is.

Thundersnow sounds more like a drug euphemism than a meteorological event. Or a really ban SNL parody of a disaster movie. Or an actual bad disaster movie on sci-fi.

Whenever I read complaints about Facebook on Facebook, I think of that old joke about the food being bad and the portions too small.

How long until we all have to fly in paper hospital gowns and crocks?

I keep waiting for a Dino Dan episode where the imaginary dinosaurs tell Dan to assassinate Ronald Reagan to impress Jodie Foster.

Anyone think those dead birds in Arkansas were launched by sling-shot at pigs?

I’m still upset that the novelty new years glasses people found a way to make 2011 glasses.

Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m being ironic in the most sincere way possible, or sincere in the most ironic way possible.

DHS to switch from colors to non-sequiturs for terror alert warnings. Current warning is Artichoke, upgraded from Limited Slip Differential. With luck, we should reach Mint Dental Floss by years end.

If you kept the Christ in Christmas, please keep the Moon in Monday.

Irish coffee is basically old-school Four Loco.

Merry $%^&ing XMass

<Happyjew> So why was Jesus given gold when he was born? Wouldn’t diapers or clothing make more sense?
<Caig4> Not really, as they kingly gifts.
<Happyjew> Kingly gifts? For Jesus?
<Caig4> He is King.
<Happyjew> Oh, King, eh. Very nice. And how d’he get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there’s ever going to be any progress…
<Caig4> What?
<Happyjew> Anyway…who exactly is he King of?
<Caig4> …the jews.
<Happyjew> Who are the jews?
<Caig4> Are you joking? The jewish people, you’re name states you’re jewish.
<Happyjew> Well, I didn’t vote for him.
<Caig4> You don’t vote for Kings.
<Happyjew> How did he become King then?
<Caig4> It was foretold that the messiah (king) would come, and he was the son of God.
<Happyjew> Listen, being the son of a deity is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not having a god as a father. You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because daddy is a divine being. I mean if I went around saying I was emperor because my papa is Thor, they’d lock me away.
<Caig4> Are you f***ing serious???
<Happyjew> I’m just trying to clarify…


From Merry $%^*ing XMass

So basically, Santa runs an intelligence agency with an arm that also acts as a charitable NGO.

So basically, Santa runs an intelligence agency with an arm that also acts as a charitable NGO.

Irish coffee is basically old-school Four Loco.

Ikeado: The martial art of pre-packaged furniture assembly.

The tea party would be more vocal about the TSA if they didn’t all travel by RV.

Texas Supreme Court Cites Mr. Spock

An anonymous reader writes “We always knew that Spock was wise and would probably make a pretty good judge, so perhaps it’s a good thing to see the Texas Supreme Court citing Spock in a recent ruling, noting his wisdom in stating that “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”“
Read more of this story at Slashdot.

From Texas Supreme Court Cites Mr. Spock


Wow, and with a straight face no less

Basil Thief on the Loose in Carroll Gardens

basil-theif-0709.jpg

This one might not make the police blotter reports but a basil thief is upsetting the equilibrium on one block of Carroll Gardens. According to Lost City, someone has been stealing basil from a planter box in the front yard of a house on President, causing multi-generational distress: “The children are quite disturbed by your actions. And so are the adults,” reads the postscript to a sign telling the thief to “Stop taking our basil!” Any word on whether the culprit has been apprehended yet?

I hope they catch the guy; green handed.

Today in Monkey News

Authorities are questioning a man caught with a monkey on a plane that landed at LaGuardia yesterday.
From NY1: Top Stories

Is that a monkey in your pocket or are you just happy the plane landed? I bet the TSA detained him because the monkey weighed more than four ounces and didn’t easily fit in a pint sized zip-loc bag.

Mr Lee Gives Cat's-Eye View of the World via NeckCam

Mr Lee, the world’s foremost cat photographer. His owner, South Carolina resident Jurgen Perthold, was curious as to what Mr Lee got up to during the day. So he rigged up a shock-, scratch-, water- and theft-resistant camera, slung it round Mr Lee’s neck and sent him off to hunt voles. Turns out he’s pretty good at taking pics - as the gallery shows, after the jump.

Every Pig's Worst Nightmare

Pork is essentially synonymous with barbecue in my area of the South, so the Lil’ Pig barbecue from Traeger makes sense in a creepy meta-way if you can get past the doe-eyed cuteness. The grill boasts 418 sq. inches of cooking surface, an internal hopper, a stainless steel door handle and a multi-position digital thermostat control.

This looks like something out of a Southern County Fair, as filmed by David Lynch.

U.S. Submarines

The Phoenix 1000 is a 65-meter (213’) personal luxury submarine. The initial design was originally executed for a client and now awaits a buyer. As proposed, the submarine would constitute the single largest private undersea vehicle ever built, and arguably, one of the most significant personal transportation devices of the century.

If you have your own Luxury Submarine and you aren’t trying to take over the world or being pursued by the British Secret Service, you might be a slacker.

steel shoes

Steel shoes. I’m glad that metal fetishist are getting equal billing with leather and latex fetishists.