If you cut taxes on the rich…
Research Flat Death Star
weird citrus golem
But what if it’s a big hoax and we create a better world for nothing?
Ingrid King, a cat blogger, practices reiki, a healing therapy that involves the transfer of energy from person to person or, in Ms. King’s case, person to cat.
Snowflake and Red Pill are the two most misunderstood terms of 2016
Tim Burton on the outside, Wes Anderson on the inside.
This could be run as an onion article., pretty much as is.
Simpsons predicted both Trump presidency and the Trump Wall?
Pro-asteroid dinosaurs like that the asteroid isn’t politically correct. They also want coastal elites to stop making fun of them and treating them mean.
On punching Nazis.
Trump is getting the bigger dressing room.
When I started this movement, my goal was to connect like-minded individuals who were interested in the ideals expressed in our charter. And I can…
Trump said that El Chapo’s “tremendous success in the private sector” showed that he has what it takes to “shake things up” at the D.E.A.
BTW, The Borowitz report is satire. It’s clearly tagged as satire.
This is amazing.
I’m looking at ways to combine the most and least metal words. Chairman eternity and Employee ashes both sound pretty good. Maybe corporate metal can be a thing.
We ban drunks from driving because they’re a danger to others. Isn’t it time we did the same to trolls?
Parsey McParseface is built on powerful machine learning algorithms that learn to analyze the linguistic structure of language, and that can explain the functional role of each word in a given sentence. Because Parsey McParseface is the most accurate such model in the world, we hope that it will be useful to developers and researchers interested in automatic extraction of information, translation, and other core applications of NLU.
It’s called Parsey McParseface. Really. Parsey McParseface. Because. Just because.
I’m suspicious of the study, it looks “too good to be true” and I’m curious about what questions they used to gauge political affiliation.
Saint Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland and then destroyed all fossil evidence.
I clicked on the link to see where in Florida this happened. Turns out it was in Athens Georgia and not Florida.
my name is Jonathan Dart and, as of today, I am officially the IT guy at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry
I’m going to assume phase II of the bot would list all the items it wins on eBay.
Etsy should verify the spell casters by making sure they weigh the same as a duck and are therefore are made of wood.
Looks like something from an episode of Futurama.
“It was only supposed to be a white thing but people read more into it than that,” Boggess wrote on his GoFundMe page about his sign.
Right wing victim narrative.
“A lot of everyday people have gay friends, and they’re not afraid to call and/or e-mail you to tell you that,” Pence said. “To be honest, I’m still trying to process it all.”
Not good enough. We need to see the Linked-In emails. Do any of the Linked-In spam messages mention Benghazi? We need to know.
The Daily Show put together 50 Fox News lies in 6 seconds. Amazing. I love how it starts with Tucker Carlson. (Jon Stewart’s interaction with him on CNN’s Crossfire was amazing.)
Justice Anthony Kennedy brought along a bottle of California wine that was just too good to resist. “I vowed this year — just sparkling water, stay away from the wine — but in the end the dinner was so delicious it needed wine to accompany it.”
What If Justice League Meetings Operated Like A Dilbert Comic?
Mac Sabbath is Probably the Only Fast Food-Themed Black Sabbath Cover Band. Maybe for Good Reason.
That’s ridiculous. She would never travel via Amtrak.
Christmas Godzilla in a Tokyo Mall
Transformers: Age of Extinction earned an average Rotten Tomatoes score of 5 out of 100 (meaning that only 5 percent of critics gave the movie a thumbs up). The Da Vinci Code scored an 8. Together they grossed more than half a billion dollars in 2014 dollars.
10 Hours Of Walking In NYC As Princess Leia
He looks like a man of the woods, but works at The Nerdery, programming for a healthy salary and benefits. His backpack carries a MacBook Air, but looks like it should carry a lumberjack’s axe. He is the Lumbersexual.
Last week they were called hipsters. Did we need a new word?
DudesGreetingDudes. Because saying hi to women on the street is about decency and not at all about what you might want from her.
Like any other socially conscious woman, I am a firm believer in gender equality. Ending workplace discrimination, making reproductive health care affordable—I’ve championed these goals my whole life. They’re important to me, and that’s why the feminist movement frustrates me so much. I’m sorry, but I simply cannot and will not support feminism if it means murdering all men.
The Onion. This is just too funny.
Funny Or Die News decided to conduct an experiment to see what happens to a white man walking the streets of NYC.
This happens to me all the time. I can’t walk down the street without people giving me high fives and offering me jobs. This is what it’s like to be a white man.
In interviews conducted across the nation, leading anti-science activists expressed their concern that the American people, wracked with anxiety over the possible spread of the virus, might desperately look to science to save the day.
"They’re like, ‘Sir, there’s something in your bag.’ I said, ‘Yes, I think it’s this box.’ They said, ‘What’s in the box?’ I said, ‘a large gold medal,’ as one does. So they opened it up and they said, ‘What’s it made out of?’ I said, ‘gold.’ And they’re like, ‘Uhhhh. Who gave this to you?’ ‘The King of Sweden.’ ‘Why did he give this to you?’ ‘Because I helped discover the expansion rate of the universe was accelerating.’
Just a matter of time before he ends up in a van down by the river.
I really want to see Putin do that. Well played Mr. Diesel.
There 3 reasons why Rick Perry’s chances in 2016 are over. He’s been indicted for abuse of power. He’s failed to attract any positive attention from the GOP establishment. And I can’t remember the 3rd.
Kevin Pollack’s Peter Falk impression makes this whole thing work. Also, this take on Columbo’s classic “One more thing” bit is spot on. I guess it might be NSFW if you don’t like extremely poor CGI violence.
Worth watching. Funny or die is what SNL should be.
Testing the political waters in Iowa today, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that if he is elected President, he would bring the flow of illegal immigrants over the U.S.-Mexico border to a virtual standstill.
Andy Borowitz will be here all week. Try the veal.
Things Tim Howard Could Save (via Things Tim Howard Could Save - Imgur)
A ten-year European plan to gradually phase out American football in the United States and replace it with soccer is “very much on track,” a spokesman for the European Union confirmed today.
Andy Borowitz, out soccer trolling Ann Coulter. Except he’s funny.
Clickhole is doing to new media what The Onion did to old media.
Clickhole. It’s Onion doing a parody of buzz feed’s click bait. And it’s great.
A classic. And still funny.
GWARbar will not merely be a place to gorge on delectable food-stuffs whilst hoisting endless flagons of liquid glee…it will not be just a shrine and showcase to the undeniable visual impact of the world’s most infamous metal band…the opening of the GWARbar will be the singularly most important culinary event to occur since the invention of the spoon!
GWAR. Really. GWAR.
If SNL were the Kevin Bacon game, you could connect every great sitcom to it in one step. The composition of the comedy world is made up of more SNL alums than any other show.
Everyone has an SNL was funny until… story. The fact that those stories continue to this day should be telling us something.
I think we are just now getting to the point where we will hear The Daily Show was funny until stories.
A Restaurant in Chicago is Now Serving a Donut/Waffle Hybrid Called the Wonut Food of they Day
Johnny Porkpie leads the Marxist indoctrination at Marxfest.
At his current pace, Mr. Krugman will write 425 more blog posts about FiveThirtyEight between now and the 2016 presidential election.
Nate lands a roundhouse on the bearded one.
There will be blood. And charts. Mostly charts.
People will give me a hard time about how they see my art as shitty. And I’m like, “I spend a long time drawing each picture.” You’d be surprised how much of a difference changing the size of an eye or shaving a little bit off the end of a mouth can make and how those small details affect the feeling conveyed by the art. Really a lot of work goes into this simplistic-looking drawing. I have the ability to draw things more realistically, but I feel like the simplistic style is more useful to what I’m trying to do.
I’ve always been intrigued by the difference between her comically warped humans and far more realistic dogs and cats. Its almost as if she sees humans as far more surreal and cats and dogs as more human.
every little thing he says and does should be covered fully and thoroughly. Because the more that happens, it seems, the more Trump is revealed to be unserious and manipulative. It’s like forcing a kid to smoke a carton of cigarettes. The only thing that will alleviate America’s taste for Donald Trump is more exposure to Donald Trump.
Excellent point. Likewise, Mr. Trump should be encouraged to get into twitter arguments with comedians.
Natural luge tracks are tracks that are used for naturbhan (from the German “natural track”) luge competitions. Tracks are often located along mountain roads and paths. The track surface is made of packed snow and ice, with a slope of not more than 1.5%. Unlike it’s Olympic counterpart “kunstbahn” (artificial track) luge, natural tracks are to be adapted to the natural conditions and artificial refrigeration and banking are prohibited.
Louis C.K. On how to handle a racist/sexist joke.
Despite NASA’s repeated instructions to the Hubble to look for evidence of water on distant planets, the telescope continued to produce more and more self-portraits, posting them to its Instagram and Twitter accounts along with the hashtag #pimpin.
Lighting McQueen Miata
Get Big Government Off My Back
Why would someone think that a book that starts with a talking snake and ends with someone coming back from the dead would be fiction?
Those tax loopholes were not carved out by poor people.
If Libertarians went to heaven
Herman Cain claims that the sexual harassment allegations that derailed his 2012 presidential campaign were the work of Satan.
Personal responsibility is for the poor. Mr. Cain gets to blame his problems on others.
Atheist uses bible quote to tell a woman to be quiet.
GOP black knight: No bill shall pass.
Drenched in drying blood and limping slightly, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg triumphantly stated this morning that the city’s longstanding homeless problem had finally been solved. “Homelessness is over—it’s not a problem anymore,” a winded Bloomberg said to a City Hall press conference while gripping the lectern tightly to prevent his hands from shaking. “I fixed the problem. Problem solved.”
The Onion. Wow.
Only notable because didn’t happen in Florida.
An open Letter to those who secretly rule the world. xkcd: Open Letter
Ronald Reagan, Barack Obama and the Debt Ceiling.
> lead researcher Brian Dalton, explaining that the gulf separating multimillionaires from common, typically pervasive actualities such as financial hardship, spending limitations, hunger, want, doubt, discomfort of any kind, and consequences for their actions is now the largest since 1985
Secretary of State John Kerry said today that he was "shocked and flabbergasted" that the Russians heeded his suggestion about Syria's chemical weapons, telling reporters, "After four decades in public life, this is the first time someone has taken me seriously."
My administration and I will not repeat the mistakes of Sultan Mehmed II
About time someone alerted the public about the dangers of DHMO and NaCL.
Justice Scalia added that the Voting Rights Act had "thrust upon the shoulders of millions of Americans the terrible and unwanted burden of exercising their rights in a democracy."
"These charges send a clear message," the spokesman said. "In the United States, you can't spy on people."
Let God’s will be done.
The title is Charlemagne: The Omens Of Death. And like him, the title is both classy and bad ass.
John McCain To Tim Cook: 'Why The Hell Do I Have To Keep Updating Apps On My iPhone?'
Warning that "the American people don't have an endless appetite for meaningless political theater," Cantor added, "If we're going to do something that's purely symbolic, pointless, and detached from reality, I say it should be repealing Obamacare for the thirtieth or fortieth time."
Two thoughts about this, first, Ikea sells moose lasagna? Second, my sister was bitten by a moose once.
Funny April 1st day joke. Well, funny to the dozen of so programmers I know.
Funny. Check your calendar.
Anyone else looking forward to how many ways the word high can be used in discussions of marijuana legalization? I really hope a congressional repeal is passed as HR420.
a consortium of billionaires today warned that if their taxes are raised they will no longer have enough money to buy politicians.
I don’t get today’s Republicans. Paying for stuff used to be called responsible; now its called Socialism.- Bill Maher (@billmaher) December 3, 2012
Saw a guy with a “Will work for food” sign so I gave him a bag of pistachios.- Tim Siedell (@badbanana) November 30, 2012
If only Republicans took their vows to their wives as seriously as they take their vows to Grover Norquist.- LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) November 26, 2012
'You Are Our Supreme Leader,' Legions Of Miniature Pauls Say In Unison
O Reilly just said people vote for Obama cuz they “want stuff”, then cited blacks, Latinos and women. White men in US? TOTALLY SELF-RELIANT!- Bill Maher (@billmaher) November 7, 2012
The election is only two weeks away, which means the political arguments are getting pretty heated-particularly on Facebook, where intelligent discussion is something one can only dream of. Unpolitic.me takes those annoying political posts and replaces them with Instagram pictures.—Unpolitic.me Replaces Political Facebook Posts with Links to Cat Pictures
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote’s forelimbs to a length of fity feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote’s body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.
The use of the MuslimRage hashtag has shown me that I have completely underestimated the comedy potential of the word falafel.
If Michael Bay were to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge, he would likely have the bridge explode as a jet fighter and a giant robot simultaneously collide with the bridge.
The summer Olympics should be split into Spring, Summer and Fall Olympics.
Next up, competitive Beer Pong, Germany versus Belgium. Talking about the origin of the beer, not the countries.
Congratulations to the survivors of this year’s olympic javelin catch competition, you did great guys. Lets hope you make it to the 2016 olympics in one piece.
A man famous for having one of the largest penises on record told CBS San Francisco that he was recently frisked by TSA agents at San Francisco International Airport after they suspected he was hiding something in his pants.
I guess he wasn’t happy to see them?
You know you’re unhealthy when a mosquito bites you and then throws up.
Between 2000 and 2010, there were: 649 million votes cast in general elections 47,000 UFO sightings 441 Americans killed by lightning 13 credible cases of in-person voter impersonation
Does Katie Holmes get to keep her scientology super powers or will Xenu take them back?
Both crews have nine members, both have elaborate nicknames and aliases, and both have, at some point, had an "ol' dirty bastard" amongst their members (we're looking at you, Alito)
Too funny not to share.
What could I possibly add to this story? Not from the onion.
Mountain view’s secret lab stitched together 1,000 computers totaling 16,000 cores to form a neural network with over 1 billion connections, and sent it to YouTube looking for cats.
This might make it easier to find videos of cats on YouTube. About time.
The reason the SpaceX Dragon is big news is not because the unmanned spacecraft is huge or advanced or armed with photon torpedoes. It's news because it's a privately built and privately funded vehicle, ushering us into a shining new era in which space travel becomes banal and tedious. If you read the account of the mission and substitute "Peterbilt" for "Dragon," "loading dock" for "International Space Station" and "Bakersfield" for "orbit," you'll see that once you get over the whole "vacuum of space" thing, it's the story of a slightly awkward delivery of dry goods to a government warehouse.—Alt Text: In Space, No One Can Hear You Haul | Underwire | Wired.com
The tiger shark is the second most deadly shark, and the most deadly one that isn't completely played out. Now combine a tiger shark with a creature that's been called "the tiger shark of the jungle" - the tiger! Now you've got something that will have Syfy's readers on the edge of, or near the edge of, their seats. And we're setting ourselves up for the sequel: Tigersharktiger vs. Sealionlion, and of course the second sequel, Seasharkliger!
I want to see the internet forum speculation about Seasharkliger vs Sealionlion.
From Comedy Central’s Indecision Blog. Funny.
Producer Irving Thalberg would often call people in for meetings, and then keep them waiting in his office for hours while he attended other meetings on the MGM lot….One day, Thalberg came back from another meeting to find Groucho Marx, Chico Marx, and Harpo Marx sitting in his office completely naked, and roasting potatoes on sticks in his office fireplace. Thalberg sat down with them, had a potato, and never missed or interrupted another meeting with the Marx Brothers.—A Night at the Opera (1935) - Trivia - IMDb
Has anyone called Ann Romney a stay at five homes mom yet?
I guess he was working on a 2nd 1% badge.
If humans one day become extinct from a catastrophic collision, we would be the laughing stock of aliens in the galaxy, for having a large brain and a space program, yet we met the same fate as that pea-brained, space program-less dinosaurs that came before us. - Neil deGrasse Tyson—We Can Survive Killer Asteroids - But It Won’t Be Easy | Wired Science | Wired.com
Dick Cheney got a heart transplant and no one makes a joke about W getting a brain and the Neocons finding courage?
This in turn has resulted in a lot of difficulties in dealing with the monkey menace." Reliance on untrained labour means the monkeys are winning, the city said.—In New Delhi, a good monkey catcher is hard to find - The Globe and Mail
I’m waiting for Romney to flip-flop on cheesy grits and admit that aren’t that tasty.
Funny, worth a read.
The Oscar’s big idea to get a younger demographic is to add Cirque Du Soleil?
There is no reason to make lethal mutant versions of sharks. They're already sharks.—Alt Text: Handy Rules for the Creation of Lethal Mutants | Underwire | Wired.com
I can’t help but think that Chris Christie would have been much more receptive of the same sex marriage bill if it were covered in gravy and served with fries.
There is a Batman shaped hole in our economy; and I intend to fill it with disgruntled marines.
Wow, a reason for me to vote for Ron Paul. Letters of Marque and Reprisal and Batman.
The statistical sample set of “All my friends on Facebook” has a margin of error of around +/-50%
All interesting questions, presumably to be answered in Paul’s new policy paper, “libertarianism for some, draconian state-level abortion restrictions for others.”
Comedy Central’s take on the Honest Rape comment.
One of the most technically difficult parts of Brant’s job however is dealing with space cats.
Wasn’t it groundhog’s day yesterday? Why did I see all the same people on the subway today? Something odd is going on.
This is just a little bit awful and just a little over the top. But funny.
- Santorum leaves mark on South Carolina
- Santorum puts pressure on Romney
- Santorum presence upsets Romney
- Media finds it hard to ignore Santorum
This year we are doing Top Secret Santa at work. Gifts will be exchanged after hours via anonymous dead drops. Gifts are wrapped in clean rooms (to minimize DNA and environmental evidence contaminating the gifts) by technicians who are sworn to secrecy.
I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a Chia pet.
Men For Cain" is a national online high-five of men dedicated to giving props to the ultimate ladies’ man Herman Cain, our next President of the United States.—Men For Herman Cain
Cyber Monday sounds like the commemoration of a Robot uprising, not a convenient day to goof off by shopping online when you should be working.
This explains why my perpetual motion machine hasn’t arrived yet.
a bunch of people got together, with each group bringing what it could - the Wampanoag brought deer, the Pilgrims apparently shot some birds, etc.. Then everyone shared equally in the feast - regardless of how much they brought to the table. Socialism!—Thanksgiving Is Un-American - NYTimes.com
Guy at work added “Sent from my iPhone5” to his blackberry emails. Had me fooled for a second.
For me, there is no difference between Ripley from "Alien" and any Katherine Heigl character. They are equally implausible.—Mindy Kaling: "Flick Chicks" : The New Yorker
Seven women have accused Mr Cain of sexual harassment. One more and then the 9th one is free.
I’m starting to think Mr. Cain has harassed 9-9-9 women over the years.
The state has no business getting involved in a matter between two individuals. - Raul Castro—Sentence of the Day - Marginal Revolution
They should just take the Hitchcock movie and replace the animated birds with CGI Angry Birds.
Dried fruit!?!? The worst house on the block shouldn’t be the White House.
If I see someone in an odd costume I don’t recognize, I’m going to assume they’re dressed as Lady GaGa.
When I see someone write noone for no one, I like to pretend they are talking about Peter Noone from Herman’s Hermits.
Noone cleaned the break room. That was nice of him! Thanks Peter.
The first person to make a global warming comment about the slushy snow in October without acknowledging it was tee shirt weather last weekend can please STFU.
Benjy Bronk at the MTA Port Authority town hall hearing meeting in NYC for the toll fare hike does the Footloose “Time to Dance” Speech.
Historically, a story about people inside impressive buildings ignoring or even taunting people standing outside shouting at them turns out to be a story with an unhappy ending.—by Lemony Snicket | OccupyWriters.com
Watching someone use AOL on an iPad is like watching someone pull a plow with a segway.
Following a 20-minute period in which the executive and his colleague sampled a lobster broth hors doeuvre arriving compliments of the chef and listened to the maitre d explain how the lobster had been flown in from Maine that morning, Byatt reasoned that, although it pained him to say so, his company could definitely stand to lose about a dozen people in sales, and roughly another 15 or 20 in the marketing and production divisions.
Jimmy Buffett Rule: If you ask the bottom 98 to sacrifice, that's a prudent fiscal policy. If you ask the top 2 percent to sacrifice, that's class warfare.—The ‘Jimmy Buffett’ Rule | Fox News
I really wish hurricanes could be given drag queen names.
Preparing for hurricane by boarding up neighbor’s windows. Keeping boards up until neighbor buys blinds and/or pants.
I’m shocked that Gadaffi had a crush on Condi Rice. I always thought he would be into the Edie McClurg type.
Schrodinger’s Nyan Cat
During the last 100 days we have seen an orgy. It would make any local smorgasbord embarrassed
From The Ultimate Collection Of Bad Michele Bachmann Quotes: Pics, Videos, Links, News
I am clearly going to the wrong places for lunch.
When the last Harry Potter book came out; I joked that the final horcrux would be Voldemort’s nose. Attached to fake eyeglasses and mustache. After thinking about it more, this could be a final sequel: Harry Potter and the Horcrux Nose.
Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commissioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing for their safety. Known for her outlandish costumes and geometric polygon hair, the criminal madwoman made a daring escape from Arkham Asylum last week and has been taunting authorities by interrupting television broadcasts ever since. “If you ever want to see Commissioner Gordon again, you’ll do exactly as I say,” Lady Gaga said from her secret lair, adjusting her angular yellow Tyvek and spandex dress as henchmen danced menacingly around the bound commissioner.
From Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon
Hey gay people! Your marriage rights killed Peter Falk. Are you happy now?
Keyboard Cat vs. Ron Livingston. This is acting.
The final Cirque du Soleil should be called battre equine mort.
He literally misused the word literally.
That warm Irish reception is going to get icy cold once they figure out his name isn’t spelled O’Bama.
It’s a laugh every 140 characters for these tweeters, from Patton Oswalt and Rainn Wilson to Steve Martin and Sarah Silverman.
140 Characters is the new haiku. But is is also the perfect format for quips.
My dad is 81 years old. I’m teaching him how to use the internet. I told him twitter was how to search things on Google. These tweets are what he’s searching.
From oldmansearch on Twitter
My version of fantasy football would involve teams of orcs and goblins and a dragon in each endzone.
I like to think of the royalty as the original reality tv stars.
Was yakety-sax playing when that French guy from the IMF was chasing the maid around the room?
Courier came today: secret messages from al-Qaida, more AA batteries for the remote, copy of Newsweek, Ikea catalogue (they send me two, every time, even though I have never ordered anything) and a pirate DVD of Finding Nemo. Watched it, laughed a lot, condemned it afterwards.
From Osama bin Laden’s diary
I had the same reaction to Finding Nemo.
I'm not saying Gingrich peaked in the '90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi. JIMMY FALLON—Laugh Lines - NYTimes.com
The pornography recovered in bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, consists of modern, electronically recorded video and is fairly extensive, according to the officials, who discussed the discovery with Reuters on condition of anonymity.
The officials said they were not yet sure precisely where in the compound the pornography was discovered or who had been viewing it. Specifically, the officials said they did not know if bin Laden himself had acquired or viewed the materials.
Reports from Abbottabad have said that bin Laden’s compound was cut off from the Internet or other hard-wired communications networks. It is unclear how compound residents would have acquired the pornography.
From Pornography found in bin Laden hideout
Anyone want to guess what he was into?
Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor’s pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal, said Lt. Bryan Stover of the Kanawha County Sheriff’s Department.
What could I possibly add to this story?
Yes, it is time for the Newt Gringrich Presidential Campaign Slogan Contest.
(Via Matthew Yglesias.)
From Newt Gingrich: He Will Always Love America. Unless it Gets Cancer. Or Multiple Sclerosis
Oh no he didn’t!
WASHINGTON-The frequency and detail of uninformed conversations about the required strength, agility, and killing abilities of the Navy SEALs has increased exponentially since the SEAL-led operation to kill Osama bin Laden, Pentagon officials told r…
From Rate Of Uninformed Conversations About Navy SEALs Skyrockets
Funny because its true.
Pentagon should release the Osama pictures as 3d Magic Eye images.
A lot of instrumental music sounds like a ring tone that goes on forever with no one picking up the damn phone.
AP - A 10-foot-long alligator has taken a bite out of a Florida deputy sheriff’s cruiser.
From 10-foot gator chomps on Fla. deputy’s cruiser
Isn’t that the kind of stuff that used to happen on the Dukes of Hazard?
We have one Earth day a year but 52 Sun days. How is that fair?
There should be a twitter version of angry birds where you go after the fail whale. Once the whale is knocked down, your tweet would post. Not sure if this would increase or decrease tweets posted.
So-called 'Balders' Movement Gathers Steam
Not what it sounds like.
Michael Bay’s Angry Birds:The Movie
When you go down the list of useless distractions that make up the Republican Party agenda; public unions and Sharia law, anchor babies and a mosque at ground zero, ACORN and National Public Radio, the war on Christmas, the New Black Panthers, Planned Parenthood, Michelle Obama's war on desserts...
...you realize that one reason nothing gets done in America is that one of the political parties puts so much more into fantasy problems. Governing this country with Republicans is like rooming with a meth addict.
You want to address real life problems like when the rent is due and they're saying "How can you even think of that stuff when there's police scanner voices coming out of the air conditioning unit?"
Too funny not to share
Poe’s Law states:
Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won’t mistake for the real thing.
@DavidHasselhoff is now following me on Twitter!
I have a great idea for a Charlie Sheen / Andy Dick buddy cop movie. With Gary Busey as the police chief if we can get him.
If conservatives are right about recognition of same sex relationships then Facebook will soon let you set your relationship status to Married to Box Turtle. We’ll soon see just how slippery that slope is.
Thundersnow sounds more like a drug euphemism than a meteorological event. Or a really ban SNL parody of a disaster movie. Or an actual bad disaster movie on sci-fi.
Whenever I read complaints about Facebook on Facebook, I think of that old joke about the food being bad and the portions too small.
Soon there will be a lego coffee shop on each block.
How long until we all have to fly in paper hospital gowns and crocks?
I keep waiting for a Dino Dan episode where the imaginary dinosaurs tell Dan to assassinate Ronald Reagan to impress Jodie Foster.
Anyone think those dead birds in Arkansas were launched by sling-shot at pigs?
I follow twitter on facebook and facebook on twitter beacuse that’s how I roll.
I’m still upset that the novelty new years glasses people found a way to make 2011 glasses.
Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m being ironic in the most sincere way possible, or sincere in the most ironic way possible.
Looking at the back issues, I notice a trend. http://tinyurl.com/35a6lzc It’s almost like that go for a certain je ne sais qua of douchtasticness that I just can’t wrap my head around.
Harry Potter is to British actors as The Sopranos was to Italian American actors.
DHS to switch from colors to non-sequiturs for terror alert warnings. Current warning is Artichoke, upgraded from Limited Slip Differential. With luck, we should reach Mint Dental Floss by years end.
If you kept the Christ in Christmas, please keep the Moon in Monday.
With David Hasselhoff as Willy Loman in Death of a Travel Agent.
I wonder if Richard Dawkin’s kids believe in Santa.
Irish coffee is basically old-school Four Loco.
<Happyjew> So why was Jesus given gold when he was born? Wouldn’t diapers or clothing make more sense?
<Caig4> Not really, as they kingly gifts.
<Happyjew> Kingly gifts? For Jesus?
<Caig4> He is King.
<Happyjew> Oh, King, eh. Very nice. And how d’he get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there’s ever going to be any progress…
<Happyjew> Anyway…who exactly is he King of?
<Caig4> …the jews.
<Happyjew> Who are the jews?
<Caig4> Are you joking? The jewish people, you’re name states you’re jewish.
<Happyjew> Well, I didn’t vote for him.
<Caig4> You don’t vote for Kings.
<Happyjew> How did he become King then?
<Caig4> It was foretold that the messiah (king) would come, and he was the son of God.
<Happyjew> Listen, being the son of a deity is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not having a god as a father. You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because daddy is a divine being. I mean if I went around saying I was emperor because my papa is Thor, they’d lock me away.
<Caig4> Are you f***ing serious???
<Happyjew> I’m just trying to clarify…
From Merry $%^*ing XMass
So basically, Santa runs an intelligence agency with an arm that also acts as a charitable NGO.
So basically, Santa runs an intelligence agency with an arm that also acts as a charitable NGO.
I wonder if Richard Dawkin’s kids believe in Santa.
With David Hasselhoff as Willy Loman in Death of a Travel Agent.
Irish coffee is basically old-school Four Loco.
Ikeado: The martial art of pre-packaged furniture assembly.
Facebook to assure users this is just to verify if you really like Bacon, Jon Stewart and 80s pop.
No, not really.
When I see a guy wearing ugg boots, I like to pretend that he left the rest of his Chewbacca costume at home.
The tea party would be more vocal about the TSA if they didn’t all travel by RV.
Susan Boyle has sucked the irony out of A Perfect Day like it was the marrow of Lou Reed’s bones. Feh.
As much as I might aprove of removing crocs and fanny-packs from flights, I fail to see how this will improve flight safety.
I don’t like this. Its just one step down a slippery slope to show tunes.
I’m skeptical until I see what their standards for excessive noogies are.
Soldier: And I can take over the plane with nail clippers?
Only Chuck Norris can take over a plane with nail clippers.
It was the least they could do.
No, not really. I made it up. But we need to make sure that everyone that travels is a red blooded American. Who flosses.
No, not really. I made that up.
This is probably the nerdiest thing I’ve been sent in oh, two or three days.Read the comments on this post…
An anonymous reader writes “We always knew that Spock was wise and would probably make a pretty good judge, so perhaps it’s a good thing to see the Texas Supreme Court citing Spock in a recent ruling, noting his wisdom in stating that “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”“
Read more of this story at Slashdot.
Wow, and with a straight face no less
Shit Chew Scientist of the Month. That’s her real name.
This one might not make the police blotter reports but a basil thief is upsetting the equilibrium on one block of Carroll Gardens. According to Lost City, someone has been stealing basil from a planter box in the front yard of a house on President, causing multi-generational distress: “The children are quite disturbed by your actions. And so are the adults,” reads the postscript to a sign telling the thief to “Stop taking our basil!” Any word on whether the culprit has been apprehended yet?
I hope they catch the guy; green handed.
karmakazesal posted a photo:
Juice truck seen on Prospect Park West. Clearly run by pirates. Vegan pirates.
I have nothing to add.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. But failing to complain over the last 8 years wasn't one of them. -Paul KrugmanNot guilty as charged - Paul Krugman Blog - NYTimes.com
Money’s scarceThe moral and aesthetic nightmare of Christmas. - By Christopher Hitchens - Slate Magazine
Times are hard
Here’s your f******
Hitchens gets a card from Phyllis Diller then compares Christmas to North Korea. Someone send him some eggnog before he sobers up and hurts himself.
Authorities are questioning a man caught with a monkey on a plane that landed at LaGuardia yesterday.From NY1: Top Stories
Is that a monkey in your pocket or are you just happy the plane landed? I bet the TSA detained him because the monkey weighed more than four ounces and didn’t easily fit in a pint sized zip-loc bag.
Mr Lee, the world’s foremost cat photographer. His owner, South Carolina resident Jurgen Perthold, was curious as to what Mr Lee got up to during the day. So he rigged up a shock-, scratch-, water- and theft-resistant camera, slung it round Mr Lee’s neck and sent him off to hunt voles. Turns out he’s pretty good at taking pics - as the gallery shows, after the jump.
Pork is essentially synonymous with barbecue in my area of the South, so the Lil’ Pig barbecue from Traeger makes sense in a creepy meta-way if you can get past the doe-eyed cuteness. The grill boasts 418 sq. inches of cooking surface, an internal hopper, a stainless steel door handle and a multi-position digital thermostat control.
This looks like something out of a Southern County Fair, as filmed by David Lynch.
The Phoenix 1000 is a 65-meter (213’) personal luxury submarine. The initial design was originally executed for a client and now awaits a buyer. As proposed, the submarine would constitute the single largest private undersea vehicle ever built, and arguably, one of the most significant personal transportation devices of the century.
If you have your own Luxury Submarine and you aren’t trying to take over the world or being pursued by the British Secret Service, you might be a slacker.