Humor

Rand Paul Joins Crowded Field of People Who Will Never Be President - The New Yorker

Rand Paul Joins Crowded Field of People Who Will Never Be President - The New Yorker:

Former Texas Governor Rick Perry, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, and neurosurgeon Ben Carson are just a few of the men thought to be considering squandering time and money pursuing an office that they will never occupy in a billion years.

Unused LotR Audio Commentary By Howard Zinn And Noam Chomsky

Unused LotR Audio Commentary By Howard Zinn And Noam Chomsky:

Chomsky: We should examine carefully what’s being established here in the prologue. For one, the point is clearly made that the “master ring,” the so-called “one ring to rule them all,” is actually a rather elaborate justification for preemptive war on Mordor.

I followed this from kottke. This is amazing. They capture Chomsky’s brilliance peppered with bullshit perfectly.

Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City

Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City:

Drenched in drying blood and limping slightly, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg triumphantly stated this morning that the city’s longstanding homeless problem had finally been solved. “Homelessness is over—it’s not a problem anymore,” a winded Bloomberg said to a City Hall press conference while gripping the lectern tightly to prevent his hands from shaking. “I fixed the problem. Problem solved.” 


The Onion. Wow. 

G.O.P. Split Over Whether to Waste Time Investigating Benghazi or Repealing Obamacare

G.O.P. Split Over Whether to Waste Time Investigating Benghazi or Repealing Obamacare

Warning that "the American people don't have an endless appetite for meaningless political theater," Cantor added, "If we're going to do something that's purely symbolic, pointless, and detached from reality, I say it should be repealing Obamacare for the thirtieth or fortieth time."

Coyote V. Acme

Coyote V. Acme

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote’s forelimbs to a length of fity feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote’s body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

My effective tax rate is higher than the 13% that Mr. Romney paid so I think I earned the right to consider him a moocher and a parasite and lecture him on personal responsibility.

If Michael Bay were to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge, he would likely have the bridge explode as a jet fighter and a giant robot simultaneously collide with the bridge.

Next up, competitive Beer Pong, Germany versus Belgium. Talking about the origin of the beer, not the countries.

Congratulations to the survivors of this year’s olympic javelin catch competition, you did great guys. Lets hope you make it to the 2016 olympics in one piece.

You know you’re unhealthy when a mosquito bites you and then throws up.

Does Katie Holmes get to keep her scientology super powers or will Xenu take them back?

it's the story of a slightly awkward delivery of dry goods to a government warehouse.

The reason the SpaceX Dragon is big news is not because the unmanned spacecraft is huge or advanced or armed with photon torpedoes. It's news because it's a privately built and privately funded vehicle, ushering us into a shining new era in which space travel becomes banal and tedious. If you read the account of the mission and substitute "Peterbilt" for "Dragon," "loading dock" for "International Space Station" and "Bakersfield" for "orbit," you'll see that once you get over the whole "vacuum of space" thing, it's the story of a slightly awkward delivery of dry goods to a government warehouse.
Alt Text: In Space, No One Can Hear You Haul | Underwire | Wired.com

Remember about a decade ago when we had the summer of shark attacks? This summer it’s zombies.

Dick Cheney got a heart transplant and no one makes a joke about W getting a brain and the Neocons finding courage?

The Oscar’s big idea to get a younger demographic is to add Cirque Du Soleil?

Top Secret Santa

This year we are doing Top Secret Santa at work. Gifts will be exchanged after hours via anonymous dead drops. Gifts are wrapped in clean rooms (to minimize DNA and environmental evidence contaminating the gifts) by technicians who are sworn to secrecy.

I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a Chia pet.

I’m not saying that server is old but its IP address is in roman numerals.

Iron Chef:GOP Primary

If Donald Trump gets to moderate a GOP debate, why not other reality stars?

Why not a debate moderated by Chairman Kaga from the original Iron Chef? Marcus Bachman could help him pick out an outfit. Each topic of discussion would be presented on a silver tray and read with a flourish. The candidates would get equal time to formulate an answer and present it to three judges who would make inane comments about the answer before providing an arbitrary score.

Would it be any more ridiculous than the Trump debate promises to be?

When we dissect the cube of heaven we see that it is constructed like a living cell with its own system of energy circulation and metabolism. (See diagram) From all appearances it is a giant soular battery/generator which allows the ONE mind of the collective G.O.D. to be able to feed off the life essences of the enslaved souls held within its "temple pillars" and redirect their energies according to the will of the ONE. ... Will YOU be a "pillar" in the temple of God? (via Awesome New UFO Theory: Approaching Comet is Really a Borg Cube From Jesus)

If I see someone in an odd costume I don’t recognize, I’m going to assume they’re dressed as Lady GaGa.

Noone knows.

When I see someone write noone for no one, I like to pretend they are talking about Peter Noone from Herman’s Hermits.

Noone cleaned the break room. That was nice of him! Thanks Peter.

The first person to make a global warming comment about the slushy snow in October without acknowledging it was tee shirt weather last weekend can please STFU.

The sequel to Inception will be two and a half hours of Chris Nolan trying to explain the last ten minutes of the original movie.

The military industrial cupcake complex has gotten out of hand.

Has anyone considered editing Trading Places and replacing the Duke brothers with the Koch brothers?

Someone needs to create a photo-shop image of Voldemort, Darth Vader and Mr Burns on line to get autographed copy of Cheney’s book.

Preparing for hurricane by boarding up neighbor’s windows. Keeping boards up until neighbor buys blinds and/or pants.

I’m shocked that Gadaffi had a crush on Condi Rice. I always thought he would be into the Edie McClurg type.

I saw three little girls having a tea party. They were more mature, reasoned and grounded in reality than the tea party political movement.

I bet if they rename the Debt Ceiling the Debt Roof, more people would be in favor of raising it.

When I here the MTA subway announcer say “All F and G trains…” I like to pretend he is saying “All %^$#ing G trains.

My heterosexual marriage hasn’t been adversely affected tonight. And no one’s married a box turtle. So far so good.

Do you remember when Lady Gaga’s career wasn’t just a series of lame attention grabbing stunts set to soundtrack of bad 90s Ibiza Euro-pop? Nether do I.

Pakistani Intelligence Announces Its Full Cooperation With U.S. Forces During Upcoming Top Secret June 12 Drone Strike On Al-Qaeda At 5:23 A.M. Near Small Town Of Razmani In North Waziristan | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Lisa Lampanelli Donates $1, 000 To Gay Charity For Every Westboro Baptist Picketer At Her Show

After hearing that the Westboro Baptist Church wanted to picket last night’s show, comedian Lisa Lampanelli said that for every person who showed up to protest, she would donate $1,000 to charity Gay Men’s Health Crisis, “the nation’s oldest HIV/AIDS prevention, treatment and care services provider”:

From Jezebel

If everyone did this, they would finally go away.

That warm Irish reception is going to get icy cold once they figure out his name isn’t spelled O’Bama.

The 140-Character One-Liner

It’s a laugh every 140 characters for these tweeters, from Patton Oswalt and Rainn Wilson to Steve Martin and Sarah Silverman.

From Wired

140 Characters is the new haiku. But is is also the perfect format for quips.

My version of fantasy football would involve teams of orcs and goblins and a dragon in each endzone.

Scientists have trained a computer program, called DEviaNT, to identify good "That's what she said" jokes:

Automating this process means identifying sentences that contain potential euphemisms and follow a particular structure - a “hard natural language understanding problem”, say the researchers. … They then evaluated nouns, adjectives and verbs with a “sexiness” function to determine whether a sentence is a potential TWSS. Examples of nouns with a high sexiness function are “rod” and “meat”, while raunchy adjectives are “hot” and “wet”.

Future work could also see DEviaNT extended to identify other kinds of jokes, say the researchers, writing “The technique of metaphorical mapping may be generalized to identify other types of double entendres and other forms of humor”.

From Puerile Tech by way of New Scientist

A lot of instrumental music sounds like a ring tone that goes on forever with no one picking up the damn phone.

We have one Earth day a year but 52 Sun days. How is that fair?

There should be a twitter version of angry birds where you go after the fail whale. Once the whale is knocked down, your tweet would post. Not sure if this would increase or decrease tweets posted.

I can only think of three colonels. Sanders, Custer and Gaddafi.

Looks like my April fools day snow storm is working perfectly.

Maher: 'Governing This Country With Republicans is Like Rooming With a Meth Addict'

When you go down the list of useless distractions that make up the Republican Party agenda; public unions and Sharia law, anchor babies and a mosque at ground zero, ACORN and National Public Radio, the war on Christmas, the New Black Panthers, Planned Parenthood, Michelle Obama's war on desserts...

...you realize that one reason nothing gets done in America is that one of the political parties puts so much more into fantasy problems. Governing this country with Republicans is like rooming with a meth addict.

You want to address real life problems like when the rent is due and they're saying "How can you even think of that stuff when there's police scanner voices coming out of the air conditioning unit?"

From Maher

Too funny not to share

Che tee-shirts are the left-of-center version of the confederate flag bumper sticker.

I have a great idea for a Charlie Sheen / Andy Dick buddy cop movie. With Gary Busey as the police chief if we can get him.

If conservatives are right about recognition of same sex relationships then Facebook will soon let you set your relationship status to Married to Box Turtle. We’ll soon see just how slippery that slope is.

Lady GaGa’s egg outfit came after Bjork’s swan dress. Let’s consider the matter settled and never speak of either again.

Been busy trying to come up with some new cliches to replace the old ones.

neoconservatism validated in war on zombies

It is indeed to neoconservatism’s credit that its doctrine is consistent with extant work on how best to respond to the zombie menace. A war against zombies would, surely, be a war against evil itself.


From neoconservatism validated in war on zombies


Finally, a case for neoconservatism. I expect to see John Bolton make the rounds arguing for an active role for the US military in the case of a zombie outbreak.

Thundersnow sounds more like a drug euphemism than a meteorological event. Or a really ban SNL parody of a disaster movie. Or an actual bad disaster movie on sci-fi.

My reaction to hearing two teen agers sing Bella Lagosi’s dead on the subway was to remind them that Francisco Franco is also still dead.

I’m going to start referring to the various Republican repeal Bills as a Government Takeover of Government. That will either piss them off or confuse them.

How long until we all have to fly in paper hospital gowns and crocks?

I keep waiting for a Dino Dan episode where the imaginary dinosaurs tell Dan to assassinate Ronald Reagan to impress Jodie Foster.

Anyone think those dead birds in Arkansas were launched by sling-shot at pigs?

I’m still upset that the novelty new years glasses people found a way to make 2011 glasses.

Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m being ironic in the most sincere way possible, or sincere in the most ironic way possible.

DHS to switch from colors to non-sequiturs for terror alert warnings. Current warning is Artichoke, upgraded from Limited Slip Differential. With luck, we should reach Mint Dental Floss by years end.

If you kept the Christ in Christmas, please keep the Moon in Monday.

Irish coffee is basically old-school Four Loco.

Merry $%^&ing XMass

<Happyjew> So why was Jesus given gold when he was born? Wouldn’t diapers or clothing make more sense?
<Caig4> Not really, as they kingly gifts.
<Happyjew> Kingly gifts? For Jesus?
<Caig4> He is King.
<Happyjew> Oh, King, eh. Very nice. And how d’he get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there’s ever going to be any progress…
<Caig4> What?
<Happyjew> Anyway…who exactly is he King of?
<Caig4> …the jews.
<Happyjew> Who are the jews?
<Caig4> Are you joking? The jewish people, you’re name states you’re jewish.
<Happyjew> Well, I didn’t vote for him.
<Caig4> You don’t vote for Kings.
<Happyjew> How did he become King then?
<Caig4> It was foretold that the messiah (king) would come, and he was the son of God.
<Happyjew> Listen, being the son of a deity is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not having a god as a father. You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because daddy is a divine being. I mean if I went around saying I was emperor because my papa is Thor, they’d lock me away.
<Caig4> Are you f***ing serious???
<Happyjew> I’m just trying to clarify…


From Merry $%^*ing XMass

So basically, Santa runs an intelligence agency with an arm that also acts as a charitable NGO.

So basically, Santa runs an intelligence agency with an arm that also acts as a charitable NGO.

Irish coffee is basically old-school Four Loco.

Ikeado: The martial art of pre-packaged furniture assembly.

The tea party would be more vocal about the TSA if they didn’t all travel by RV.

Hipster Test: If you can't spot the hipster in the room, you are the hipster in the room

If you’re at:

  • An bar or music event Park Slope or Williamsburg
  • Getting coffee anyplace where MacBooks outnumber PCs
  • Buying books someplace where more than two Yoga or Vegan magazines are sold
  • Buying music someplace where vinyl is sold
  • Buying food someplace where organic and fair trade are mentioned

And you can’t spot the hipster in the room; then you are the hipster in the room.

Traditional Light Bulb Values!

One of the legislative priorities for Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX), who’s vying to chair the House Energy and Commerce Committee is defending the “traditional, incandescent light bulb” against government regulators who want to replace it with “the little, squiggly, pig-tailed ones.”


From Traditional Light Bulb Values!

What about candles and whale oil lanterns? Is Joe Barton opposed to other, more traditional light sources?

Goat standard, not gold standard

in remote Korawan, … have come up with a novel bank which exclusively deals with goats - accepting the animal as savings and lending it out as loans.

"Prema and her friends hailing from Afrozi village have establish a bank which deals exclusively in goats," development block coordinator Subedar Singh told PTI.

”We provide goats to women having interest in taking up breeding as a full-time activity as loan. When a goat gives birth to kids, generally two to three in numbers, one of them is deposited with the bank again,” Prema explained.

The link is here, the point is from Paul Hsieh and Jeffrey Williams should be happy. The locale is in India.


From Allahabad embraces goat standard.

Town decides to stop using fiat currency and embrace the goat standard. Livestock has been used for trade in free societies for years. Glade to see them go back to sound money: The Goat Standard. And unlike gold, goats generate new goats.

Why do Tea Partiers capitalize their nouns?

If he becomes governor of Colorado, Tea Partier Dan Maes will remind citizens that “freedom originates in a Supreme Ruler of the Universe,” according to his Web site. In her campaign materials, New Jersey congressional candidate and Tea Partier Anna C. Little rhapsodizes the “inalienable rights by our Creator, among them Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness” and touts strict border control as “the first step in the process of regaining control of our Republic.” As you read these sentences, your first question is surely: Why do these and other Tea Party candidates hold the rules of capitalization in such contempt?

From Why do Tea Partiers capitalize their nouns?

Hmm? Teabonics has a punctuation equivalent?

Democrats: 'If We're Gonna Lose, Let's Go Down Running Away From Every Legislative Accomplishment We've Made'

WASHINGTON-Conceding almost certain Republican gains in next month’s crucial midterm elections, Democratic lawmakers vowed Tuesday not to give up without making one final push to ensure their party runs away from every major legislative victory of the past two years.

From Democrats: ‘If We’re Gonna Lose, Let’s Go Down Running Away From Every Legislative Accomplishment We’ve Made’

Sad because it’s true.

Friday Oct 29th is Don't Pray for Hitchens Day

Stricken with cancer and fragile from chemotherapy, author and Slate columnist Christopher Hitchens is standing by his atheist beliefs: He will not take part in a prayer day devoted to him.

From Video: Christopher Hitchens won’t attend a prayer day in his honor. - - Slate Magazine

I’m declaring Friday Oct 29th to be Don’t Pray for Hitchens Day. I am calling on non-believers and believers alike to not pray for him.

Chris Kelly: Why You Don't Care About JournoList

The problem with the JournoList scandal is the problem with a lot of right wing news: It’s not happening on Earth I, where you and I live. Like the Black Panthers taking over the Justice Department, or Shirley Sherrod’s night raids on Andrew Breitbart’s small family farm or Glenn Beck’s lonely one-man struggle against the Tides Foundation, it exists in a parallel universe that only superficially resembles our own.

A universe where straight, rich white men are the only victims of anything, ever, and shrieking like an infant is their only defense; where Christianity and capitalism are in constant peril, where black lesbians and the very, very poor run everything and Iran has the Bomb and we don’t.


From Chris Kelly: Why You Don’t Care About JournoList

He forgot Soros. George Soros secretly controls everything.

Hamas targets women's underwear in modesty drive

A week after banning women from smoking water pipes in public places, the Hamas-run police force has told stores selling women’s underwear to remove scantily-clad mannequins and any posters of racy undergarments.

From Hamas targets women’s underwear in modesty drive - Yahoo! News

Glad to hear that things are going so well in Gaza that Hamas can finally target the problem of mannequin underwear.

Have aliens hijacked Voyager 2 spacecraft

the spacecraft is sending back what sounds like an answer: Signals in an unknown data format!

The best scientific minds have so far not been able to decipher the strange information is it a secret message?

Alien expert Hartwig Hausdorf said:”It seems almost as if someone had reprogrammed or hijacked the probe thus perhaps we do not yet know the whole truth”

From Have aliens hijacked Voyager 2 spacecraft | The Daily Telegraph

I’ll be first to suggest that its been p0wned by aliens and is now beaming tentacle fertility spam back to earth.

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

ESCONDIDO, CA-Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.
From Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source

I think I know that guy.

Pantless man accused of harassing neighbor's horse

A man who apparently wasn’t wearing pants has been accused of harassing a neighbor’s horse. The Tri-City Herald reported the horse’s owner spotted a bald man without any pants chasing the horse about 3:30 a.m. Friday in a corral. Benton County sheriff’s deputies identified a 26-year-old man, who lives next door, as the suspect and he was jailed for investigation of trespassing.
From: Pantless man accused of harassing neighbor’s horse

I can’t help but think that the phrase apparently wasn’t wearing pants was added on the insistence of some copy editor looking to mitigate any possibility of correction or apology.

Meet Bob at 5pm

Meet Bob at 5pm

People lined up to meet Bob. I’m sure the free Wine had nothing to do with. Bob was clearly the big draw.

Twitters From Texas

Have you ever noticed that the states where anti-tax sentiment is strongest are frequently the same states that get way more back from the federal government than they send in? Alaska gets $1.84 for every tax dollar it sends to Washington, which is a rate of return even Bernard Madoff never pretended to achieve. Yet there they were in Ketchikan waving "Taxed Enough Already!" signs and demanding an end to federal spending.
From Op-Ed Columnist - Twitters From Texas - NYTimes.com

Irony too good not to share.

Dikshit Guilty of Internet Gambling

Anurag Dikshit, the former director of Gibraltar-based PartyGaming, has agreed to cooperate with authorities probing the web-based gambling scene. It’s illegal to allow those on American soil to access online wagering sites. Under a deal with prosecutors, Dikshit faces a maximum two years behind bars under his Tuesday guilty plea to one count of violating the Wire Act.(.pdf) Dikshit founded party gaming in 1997. In 2006, Forbes magazine declared him the world’s 207th richest person.
Dikshit Guilty of Internet Gambling | Threat Level from Wired.com

That’s his real name.

Twilight

Twilight seems to answer the question, what would Buffy the Vampire Slayer be like if Buffy didn’t slay vampires? And wasn’t witty. Or funny. And Buffy was annoying, hapless and helpless.

This is a question that didn’t need to be asked.

Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet

“On his new planet, Kal-Al’s Earth physiology will react to the radiation of a differently colored sun, causing him to develop abilities far beyond those of mortal men,” political analyst Sig Schuster said. “He will be faster than a speeding Prius, stronger than the existing Superfund program, and able to leap mountains of red tape in a single bound. These superpowers will sustain him in his never-ending battle against conservatives, wealthy industrialists, and other environmental supervillains.”
Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source

Best onion article I’ve seen in months.

RIP, George Carlin

“So my name is a footnote in American legal history, which I’m perversely kind of proud of,” Carlin told The Associated Press.
Comedian George Carlin Dies at 71 | The Underwire from Wired.com

It is very rare that a person can be funny for two decades. Extremely rare for someone it be funny for three. Carlin was funny for more than four. Carlin belongs in that exclusive club of people that who remained current and witty until the end.

Gilligan's Food Network

If Gilligan’s Island was remade for the Food Network.

Gilligan’s Island Food Network
Thurston Howell III Emeril Lagasse
Lovey Paula Dean
Ginger Giada De Laurentiis
Marianne Rachael Ray
The Professor Alton Brown
Skipper Mario Batali
Gilligan Bobby Flay

IDIOTAROD NYC

A nod to Mr. Gone for pointing out that the IDIOTAROD is in a few weeks.

When I was ten or eleven I saw Ben Hur on a tiny black and white TV. The chariot race convinced the reptile parts of my brain that Charlton Heston was the coolest person on earth. Within a week some friends and I started going to the local super market and re-enacting the chariot races with stolen borrowed shopping carts. One guy would be the rider and stand in the cart holding a jump rope or something similar. The other guy would wrap the rope around his waist and be the horse. We would run around the parking area of the supermarket until they chased us away. Or someone needed a tetanus shot.

I call that period in my life the stupid years. When someone suggests riding your bicycle down a flight of stairs, you think cool. In the mind of an eleven year old boy the word cool is a synonym for potentially life threatening. It is also the time when your obsession with candy, toys and cartoons hasn’t fully switched into an obsession for girls, cars and music. And for some reason, you think Ninjas are really cool. I think that is the true spirit of the Idiotarod.

30 Reasons Why All Programmers Are Schizophrenics

A few days back, I was lazily browsing the net - when suddenly I discovered that I have Schizophrenia. No, I did not get a hallucination that my dual monitors suddenly changed into a two headed beast. Nor did I hallucinate about anything else. What happened was that I stumbled upon a page about schizophrenia. To my shock, I had all the symptoms described in that page. Not just me - all the programmers I knew had Schizophrenia as well.
From 30 Reasons Why All Programmers Are Schizophrenics at BinnyVA

If time travel causes Schizodonniedarkosis, maybe Java programming causes Schizojavosis and perl programming causes Schizoperlosis?

The Route Coast to Coast

On October 7, 2006, Alex Roy set out from the Classic Car Club on Hudson Street in New York City. His self-assigned mission: Beat the record for a cross-country drive to Los Angeles. That record, set in 1983, is 32 hours and 7 minutes. To achieve his goal, Roy and his copilot, Dave Maher, would need to average at least 90 miles per hour.
From The Route Coast to Coast

I’m sorry, but if you aren’t riding with Dom Deluise while trying to out run Jamie Farr and a host of paper thin ethnic and social stereotypes; what’s the point?

Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy

In an emblematic move intended to stand in for the official symbolic reprimand of the president, a vehemently well-mannered mob of demonstrators censured an effigy of George W. Bush Tuesday, making known its displeasure over such actions as illegal wiretapping and the politically motivated firing of federal lawyers.
From Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy

The Onion answers the question, what if activists and bloggers were as spineless as their elected representatives.

UAE father of 78 eyes new brides

The United Arab Emirates newspaper splashed its front page with a picture of Abdul Rahman surrounded by his children, the eldest of whom is 36 years old and the youngest of whom is 20 days old. Two of his current three wives are also pregnant.
Abdul Rahman said his large family lived in 15 houses. He supports them with his military pension and the help of the government of Ajman, one of seven emirates that comprise the UAE, which includes the Gulf trade and tourism hub of Dubai.
From UAE father of 78 eyes new brides for century target - Oddly Enough - Reuters.com

Good news ladies, he is going to need at least three more wives to hit that 100 mark.

Today in Monkey News

Authorities are questioning a man caught with a monkey on a plane that landed at LaGuardia yesterday.
From NY1: Top Stories

Is that a monkey in your pocket or are you just happy the plane landed? I bet the TSA detained him because the monkey weighed more than four ounces and didn’t easily fit in a pint sized zip-loc bag.

Redheads at Improv Everywhere

For our latest mission, over 50 redheads rode the subway together and protested a Manhattan Wendy’ s for their “ racist logo.” Enjoy the videos first and then go behind the scenes with our mission report, photos, and more videos below.
Redheads at Improv Everywhere

I’m going to suggest an IE where a bunch of swarthy portly guys protest in front of a pizzeria that uses the standard fat pizza guy statue. I’m sure I can grow the perquisite mustache in an afternoon.

Every Pig's Worst Nightmare

Pork is essentially synonymous with barbecue in my area of the South, so the Lil’ Pig barbecue from Traeger makes sense in a creepy meta-way if you can get past the doe-eyed cuteness. The grill boasts 418 sq. inches of cooking surface, an internal hopper, a stainless steel door handle and a multi-position digital thermostat control.

This looks like something out of a Southern County Fair, as filmed by David Lynch.

Bill O'Reilly declares end to his France boycott

As the weblog News Hounds noted, on the May 7 edition of Fox News’ The O’Reilly Factor, host Bill O’Reilly declared that “The Factor is lifting the boycott of France” due to the recent election of conservative candidate Nicolas Sarkozy as France’s next president.
From Media Matters

Well in that case, I’m calling off my boycott of Mars. Feel free to start buying Buggalo meat again.

Exclusive excerpts from Christopher Hitchens' God Is Not Great

This week Slate is publishing three excerpts from Christopher Hitchens’ new book, God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything.
From Slate Magazine

Finally, a book critical on religion from the only atheist more pompous, self righteous and infuriatingly arrogant than Richard Dawkins. I hope this book is successful enough to bloat Hitchens already swollen ego the tiny bit need before it becomes so massive it collapses in on itself and forms a black hole. A chain smoking black hole with a British accent.

just like vegas

My gmail spam box is filed with offers for sex, drugs and wildly speculative gambles that are sure to make me very rich. Or very poor. I realized that spam is like Vegas without the fun. What happens in my spam box, stays in my spam box.

Why is Washington exaggerating the pirate threat?

Despite their impressive exploits of late-seizing oil platforms off the coast of Nigeria and, memorably, firing rockets at a cruise ship off Somalia-modern maritime pirates have been robbed of the mystique that once made them stars of the criminal underworld. A steady increase over the last decade in the number of thefts, hijackings, and killings at sea, along with a disingenuous PR campaign led by the United States, have put pirates in company with al-Qaida. It’s a bum rap.
From Slate Magazine

GWOP. The Global War on Pirates. Argh. I guess Pirates are the new Mobsters much how Belly dancing is the new Yoga and smart phones are the new iPods.

John Cusack Wins Restraining Order

John Cusack won a temporary restraining order Tuesday against a woman he claims has been stalking him for more than 18 months.
From ABC News

Anyone else imagine that woman standing in front of a beat-up car; holding a radio over her head, while Peter Gabriel music plays?

Ethan Lipton

I’m a big fan of Ethan Lipton. Its very hard not to be entertained by a crooner whose ballads mention yoga positions, Martian juice and women who work at Renaissance Faires. The latter being described as having hair smelling of steak.

It is really hard to call him a comedian as his songs really don’t follow any joke format. They aren’t parodies. There is irony and amazing comic timing but it is really hard to pick out a joke. Lipton’s music is funny in the way a puppy chasing his tail is funny.

if irony could kill

Last week I overheard someone on the Subway talking about music with someone I assume was a friend. This guy was wearing a Ramones shirt. The one with the the names of the band members wrapped around what looks like the Seal of the United States.

Some the guy wearing the Ramones shirt is complaining about Rap/Rock fusion bands stating that those bands can’t play their instruments that they can’t sing and that their acts are all attitude.

If irony could kill, this man would have been struck dead where he slouched; ipodded and fully hipster accessorized. You could accuse the Ramones of many things. But you can hardly accuse them of waiting to learn how to play before they started their musical career. I imagine that if you asked them what Juilliard was, they would guess that had something to do with cutting carrots.

liberal french wieney

I bought a copy of The Truth, with Jokes yesterday…and got my copy signed by Al Franken. I’ve been listening to his show via podcast for a year now and can highly recommend his show as a few hours of entertaining news and political discussion somewhere between NPR and The Daily Show. Oh, and jokes. Funny stuff.

Which gets me to my point. During Franken’s reading, he mentioned the oft quoted liberal french wieney canard. While he was signing my book, I mentioned that technically, wieners are German. Also, Germans have the exact opposite reputation that the French do. Germans have a well earned reputation for hard work, serious take charge demeanor, drinking beer, and building great cars. So how the hell did wieney become an insult meaning ineffectual?