When I started this movement, my goal was to connect like-minded individuals who were interested in the ideals expressed in our charter. And I can…
While millions have been vexed for some time by their failure to explain basic information to dolts, that frustration has now reached a breaking point.
Former Texas Governor Rick Perry, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, and neurosurgeon Ben Carson are just a few of the men thought to be considering squandering time and money pursuing an office that they will never occupy in a billion years.
Funny Or Die News decided to conduct an experiment to see what happens to a white man walking the streets of NYC.
This happens to me all the time. I can’t walk down the street without people giving me high fives and offering me jobs. This is what it’s like to be a white man.
Kerry said that the government’s successful identification of a moderate Syrian rebel was a major victory that should silence critics of the U.S.’s strategy in Iraq and Syria.
Andy Borowitz doing a great job pointing out how mock-worthy the moderate rebel strategy is.
Obama said that he only wears blue or grey suits so as to avoid having to make yet another decision during his hectic schedule. But now it seems he has changed his mind, and picking a suit is important enough to endanger our nation’s well-being.
Are fashion crimes are impeachable offenses?
Kevin Pollack’s Peter Falk impression makes this whole thing work. Also, this take on Columbo’s classic “One more thing” bit is spot on. I guess it might be NSFW if you don’t like extremely poor CGI violence.
Worth watching. Funny or die is what SNL should be.
Chomsky: We should examine carefully what’s being established here in the prologue. For one, the point is clearly made that the “master ring,” the so-called “one ring to rule them all,” is actually a rather elaborate justification for preemptive war on Mordor.
I followed this from kottke. This is amazing. They capture Chomsky’s brilliance peppered with bullshit perfectly.
Telling Congress, “It’s O.K., I don’t mind doing everything myself,” President Obama prepared to sign a passive-aggressive executive order on Tuesday.
Things Tim Howard Could Save (via Things Tim Howard Could Save - Imgur)
A classic. And still funny.
We have an epidemic of right wing political correctness in this country that dwarfs even the imagined exegeses of left wing political correctness.
Johnny Porkpie leads the Marxist indoctrination at Marxfest.
Despite NASA’s repeated instructions to the Hubble to look for evidence of water on distant planets, the telescope continued to produce more and more self-portraits, posting them to its Instagram and Twitter accounts along with the hashtag #pimpin.
If Libertarians went to heaven
Drenched in drying blood and limping slightly, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg triumphantly stated this morning that the city’s longstanding homeless problem had finally been solved. “Homelessness is over—it’s not a problem anymore,” a winded Bloomberg said to a City Hall press conference while gripping the lectern tightly to prevent his hands from shaking. “I fixed the problem. Problem solved.”
The Onion. Wow.
> lead researcher Brian Dalton, explaining that the gulf separating multimillionaires from common, typically pervasive actualities such as financial hardship, spending limitations, hunger, want, doubt, discomfort of any kind, and consequences for their actions is now the largest since 1985
Secretary of State John Kerry said today that he was "shocked and flabbergasted" that the Russians heeded his suggestion about Syria's chemical weapons, telling reporters, "After four decades in public life, this is the first time someone has taken me seriously."
My administration and I will not repeat the mistakes of Sultan Mehmed II
"These charges send a clear message," the spokesman said. "In the United States, you can't spy on people."
The title is Charlemagne: The Omens Of Death. And like him, the title is both classy and bad ass.
Warning that "the American people don't have an endless appetite for meaningless political theater," Cantor added, "If we're going to do something that's purely symbolic, pointless, and detached from reality, I say it should be repealing Obamacare for the thirtieth or fortieth time."
Two thoughts about this, first, Ikea sells moose lasagna? Second, my sister was bitten by a moose once.
Funny April 1st day joke. Well, funny to the dozen of so programmers I know.
Funny. Check your calendar.
a consortium of billionaires today warned that if their taxes are raised they will no longer have enough money to buy politicians.
Saw a guy with a “Will work for food” sign so I gave him a bag of pistachios.- Tim Siedell (@badbanana) November 30, 2012
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote’s forelimbs to a length of fity feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote’s body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.
My effective tax rate is higher than the 13% that Mr. Romney paid so I think I earned the right to consider him a moocher and a parasite and lecture him on personal responsibility.
The Onion on Michelle Obama’s speech.
If Michael Bay were to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge, he would likely have the bridge explode as a jet fighter and a giant robot simultaneously collide with the bridge.
Thurston Howell III picks Alex P Keaton as his running mate.
Next up, competitive Beer Pong, Germany versus Belgium. Talking about the origin of the beer, not the countries.
Congratulations to the survivors of this year’s olympic javelin catch competition, you did great guys. Lets hope you make it to the 2016 olympics in one piece.
A man famous for having one of the largest penises on record told CBS San Francisco that he was recently frisked by TSA agents at San Francisco International Airport after they suspected he was hiding something in his pants.
I guess he wasn’t happy to see them?
You know you’re unhealthy when a mosquito bites you and then throws up.
Does Katie Holmes get to keep her scientology super powers or will Xenu take them back?
Both crews have nine members, both have elaborate nicknames and aliases, and both have, at some point, had an "ol' dirty bastard" amongst their members (we're looking at you, Alito)
Too funny not to share.
The reason the SpaceX Dragon is big news is not because the unmanned spacecraft is huge or advanced or armed with photon torpedoes. It's news because it's a privately built and privately funded vehicle, ushering us into a shining new era in which space travel becomes banal and tedious. If you read the account of the mission and substitute "Peterbilt" for "Dragon," "loading dock" for "International Space Station" and "Bakersfield" for "orbit," you'll see that once you get over the whole "vacuum of space" thing, it's the story of a slightly awkward delivery of dry goods to a government warehouse.—Alt Text: In Space, No One Can Hear You Haul | Underwire | Wired.com
Remember about a decade ago when we had the summer of shark attacks? This summer it’s zombies.
Has anyone called Ann Romney a stay at five homes mom yet?
Dick Cheney got a heart transplant and no one makes a joke about W getting a brain and the Neocons finding courage?
The Oscar’s big idea to get a younger demographic is to add Cirque Du Soleil?
Anyone notice if google+ was dark for SOPA? Me neither.
This year we are doing Top Secret Santa at work. Gifts will be exchanged after hours via anonymous dead drops. Gifts are wrapped in clean rooms (to minimize DNA and environmental evidence contaminating the gifts) by technicians who are sworn to secrecy.
I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a Chia pet.
I’m not saying that server is old but its IP address is in roman numerals.
If Donald Trump gets to moderate a GOP debate, why not other reality stars?
Why not a debate moderated by Chairman Kaga from the original Iron Chef? Marcus Bachman could help him pick out an outfit. Each topic of discussion would be presented on a silver tray and read with a flourish. The candidates would get equal time to formulate an answer and present it to three judges who would make inane comments about the answer before providing an arbitrary score.
Would it be any more ridiculous than the Trump debate promises to be?
If I see someone in an odd costume I don’t recognize, I’m going to assume they’re dressed as Lady GaGa.
When I see someone write noone for no one, I like to pretend they are talking about Peter Noone from Herman’s Hermits.
Noone cleaned the break room. That was nice of him! Thanks Peter.
The first person to make a global warming comment about the slushy snow in October without acknowledging it was tee shirt weather last weekend can please STFU.
The sequel to Inception will be two and a half hours of Chris Nolan trying to explain the last ten minutes of the original movie.
The military industrial cupcake complex has gotten out of hand.
Has anyone considered editing Trading Places and replacing the Duke brothers with the Koch brothers?
I really wish hurricanes could be given drag queen names.
Someone needs to create a photo-shop image of Voldemort, Darth Vader and Mr Burns on line to get autographed copy of Cheney’s book.
Preparing for hurricane by boarding up neighbor’s windows. Keeping boards up until neighbor buys blinds and/or pants.
I’m shocked that Gadaffi had a crush on Condi Rice. I always thought he would be into the Edie McClurg type.
Gaddafi is growing out his beard and planning return to Libya as Ganddalfi the White.
Romney thinks corporations are people. Bachmann thinks voices in her head are people.
I saw three little girls having a tea party. They were more mature, reasoned and grounded in reality than the tea party political movement.
I bet if they rename the Debt Ceiling the Debt Roof, more people would be in favor of raising it.
When I here the MTA subway announcer say “All F and G trains…” I like to pretend he is saying “All %^$#ing G trains.
My heterosexual marriage hasn’t been adversely affected tonight. And no one’s married a box turtle. So far so good.
Turns out that Whitey Bulger evaded capture by hiding on myspace.
Keyboard Cat vs. Ron Livingston. This is acting.
The final Cirque du Soleil should be called battre equine mort.
Do you remember when Lady Gaga’s career wasn’t just a series of lame attention grabbing stunts set to soundtrack of bad 90s Ibiza Euro-pop? Nether do I.
After hearing that the Westboro Baptist Church wanted to picket last night’s show, comedian Lisa Lampanelli said that for every person who showed up to protest, she would donate $1,000 to charity Gay Men’s Health Crisis, “the nation’s oldest HIV/AIDS prevention, treatment and care services provider”:
If everyone did this, they would finally go away.
That warm Irish reception is going to get icy cold once they figure out his name isn’t spelled O’Bama.
It’s a laugh every 140 characters for these tweeters, from Patton Oswalt and Rainn Wilson to Steve Martin and Sarah Silverman.
140 Characters is the new haiku. But is is also the perfect format for quips.
My dad is 81 years old. I’m teaching him how to use the internet. I told him twitter was how to search things on Google. These tweets are what he’s searching.
From oldmansearch on Twitter
My version of fantasy football would involve teams of orcs and goblins and a dragon in each endzone.
I like to think of the royalty as the original reality tv stars.
Courier came today: secret messages from al-Qaida, more AA batteries for the remote, copy of Newsweek, Ikea catalogue (they send me two, every time, even though I have never ordered anything) and a pirate DVD of Finding Nemo. Watched it, laughed a lot, condemned it afterwards.
From Osama bin Laden’s diary
I had the same reaction to Finding Nemo.
WASHINGTON-The frequency and detail of uninformed conversations about the required strength, agility, and killing abilities of the Navy SEALs has increased exponentially since the SEAL-led operation to kill Osama bin Laden, Pentagon officials told r…
From Rate Of Uninformed Conversations About Navy SEALs Skyrockets
Funny because its true.
Automating this process means identifying sentences that contain potential euphemisms and follow a particular structure - a “hard natural language understanding problem”, say the researchers. … They then evaluated nouns, adjectives and verbs with a “sexiness” function to determine whether a sentence is a potential TWSS. Examples of nouns with a high sexiness function are “rod” and “meat”, while raunchy adjectives are “hot” and “wet”.
Future work could also see DEviaNT extended to identify other kinds of jokes, say the researchers, writing “The technique of metaphorical mapping may be generalized to identify other types of double entendres and other forms of humor”.
A lot of instrumental music sounds like a ring tone that goes on forever with no one picking up the damn phone.
I wonder who will have more posthumous tapes released, Tupac or Osama Bin Laden?
We have one Earth day a year but 52 Sun days. How is that fair?
There should be a twitter version of angry birds where you go after the fail whale. Once the whale is knocked down, your tweet would post. Not sure if this would increase or decrease tweets posted.
So-called 'Balders' Movement Gathers Steam
I can only think of three colonels. Sanders, Custer and Gaddafi.
Looks like my April fools day snow storm is working perfectly.
When you go down the list of useless distractions that make up the Republican Party agenda; public unions and Sharia law, anchor babies and a mosque at ground zero, ACORN and National Public Radio, the war on Christmas, the New Black Panthers, Planned Parenthood, Michelle Obama's war on desserts...
...you realize that one reason nothing gets done in America is that one of the political parties puts so much more into fantasy problems. Governing this country with Republicans is like rooming with a meth addict.
You want to address real life problems like when the rent is due and they're saying "How can you even think of that stuff when there's police scanner voices coming out of the air conditioning unit?"
Too funny not to share
Poe’s Law states:
Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won’t mistake for the real thing.
Che tee-shirts are the left-of-center version of the confederate flag bumper sticker.
I have a great idea for a Charlie Sheen / Andy Dick buddy cop movie. With Gary Busey as the police chief if we can get him.
Fair and Balanced Paranoia, Delivered on Demand.
If conservatives are right about recognition of same sex relationships then Facebook will soon let you set your relationship status to Married to Box Turtle. We’ll soon see just how slippery that slope is.
Lady GaGa’s egg outfit came after Bjork’s swan dress. Let’s consider the matter settled and never speak of either again.
Been busy trying to come up with some new cliches to replace the old ones.
It is indeed to neoconservatism’s credit that its doctrine is consistent with extant work on how best to respond to the zombie menace. A war against zombies would, surely, be a war against evil itself.
Finally, a case for neoconservatism. I expect to see John Bolton make the rounds arguing for an active role for the US military in the case of a zombie outbreak.
Thundersnow sounds more like a drug euphemism than a meteorological event. Or a really ban SNL parody of a disaster movie. Or an actual bad disaster movie on sci-fi.
My reaction to hearing two teen agers sing Bella Lagosi’s dead on the subway was to remind them that Francisco Franco is also still dead.
I’m going to start referring to the various Republican repeal Bills as a Government Takeover of Government. That will either piss them off or confuse them.
Soon there will be a lego coffee shop on each block.
How long until we all have to fly in paper hospital gowns and crocks?
I keep waiting for a Dino Dan episode where the imaginary dinosaurs tell Dan to assassinate Ronald Reagan to impress Jodie Foster.
Anyone think those dead birds in Arkansas were launched by sling-shot at pigs?
I follow twitter on facebook and facebook on twitter beacuse that’s how I roll.
I’m still upset that the novelty new years glasses people found a way to make 2011 glasses.
Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m being ironic in the most sincere way possible, or sincere in the most ironic way possible.
Looking at the back issues, I notice a trend. http://tinyurl.com/35a6lzc It’s almost like that go for a certain je ne sais qua of douchtasticness that I just can’t wrap my head around.
Harry Potter is to British actors as The Sopranos was to Italian American actors.
DHS to switch from colors to non-sequiturs for terror alert warnings. Current warning is Artichoke, upgraded from Limited Slip Differential. With luck, we should reach Mint Dental Floss by years end.
If you kept the Christ in Christmas, please keep the Moon in Monday.
With David Hasselhoff as Willy Loman in Death of a Travel Agent.
I wonder if Richard Dawkin’s kids believe in Santa.
Irish coffee is basically old-school Four Loco.
<Happyjew> So why was Jesus given gold when he was born? Wouldn’t diapers or clothing make more sense?
<Caig4> Not really, as they kingly gifts.
<Happyjew> Kingly gifts? For Jesus?
<Caig4> He is King.
<Happyjew> Oh, King, eh. Very nice. And how d’he get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there’s ever going to be any progress…
<Happyjew> Anyway…who exactly is he King of?
<Caig4> …the jews.
<Happyjew> Who are the jews?
<Caig4> Are you joking? The jewish people, you’re name states you’re jewish.
<Happyjew> Well, I didn’t vote for him.
<Caig4> You don’t vote for Kings.
<Happyjew> How did he become King then?
<Caig4> It was foretold that the messiah (king) would come, and he was the son of God.
<Happyjew> Listen, being the son of a deity is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not having a god as a father. You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because daddy is a divine being. I mean if I went around saying I was emperor because my papa is Thor, they’d lock me away.
<Caig4> Are you f***ing serious???
<Happyjew> I’m just trying to clarify…
From Merry $%^*ing XMass
So basically, Santa runs an intelligence agency with an arm that also acts as a charitable NGO.
So basically, Santa runs an intelligence agency with an arm that also acts as a charitable NGO.
I wonder if Richard Dawkin’s kids believe in Santa.
With David Hasselhoff as Willy Loman in Death of a Travel Agent.
Irish coffee is basically old-school Four Loco.
Ikeado: The martial art of pre-packaged furniture assembly.
Facebook to assure users this is just to verify if you really like Bacon, Jon Stewart and 80s pop.
No, not really.
When I see a guy wearing ugg boots, I like to pretend that he left the rest of his Chewbacca costume at home.
The tea party would be more vocal about the TSA if they didn’t all travel by RV.
Susan Boyle has sucked the irony out of A Perfect Day like it was the marrow of Lou Reed’s bones. Feh.
As much as I might aprove of removing crocs and fanny-packs from flights, I fail to see how this will improve flight safety.
I don’t like this. Its just one step down a slippery slope to show tunes.
I’m skeptical until I see what their standards for excessive noogies are.
If you’re at:
- An bar or music event Park Slope or Williamsburg
- Getting coffee anyplace where MacBooks outnumber PCs
- Buying books someplace where more than two Yoga or Vegan magazines are sold
- Buying music someplace where vinyl is sold
- Buying food someplace where organic and fair trade are mentioned
And you can’t spot the hipster in the room; then you are the hipster in the room.
Soldier: And I can take over the plane with nail clippers?
Only Chuck Norris can take over a plane with nail clippers.
It was the least they could do.
Edward Tufte is selling about 200 rare books from his working library
I’m expecting him to write the most clear, concise and informative craigslist posting of all time.
No, not really. I made it up. But we need to make sure that everyone that travels is a red blooded American. Who flosses.
No, not really. I made that up.
One of the legislative priorities for Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX), who’s vying to chair the House Energy and Commerce Committee is defending the “traditional, incandescent light bulb” against government regulators who want to replace it with “the little, squiggly, pig-tailed ones.”
What about candles and whale oil lanterns? Is Joe Barton opposed to other, more traditional light sources?
in remote Korawan, … have come up with a novel bank which exclusively deals with goats - accepting the animal as savings and lending it out as loans.
"Prema and her friends hailing from Afrozi village have establish a bank which deals exclusively in goats," development block coordinator Subedar Singh told PTI.
”We provide goats to women having interest in taking up breeding as a full-time activity as loan. When a goat gives birth to kids, generally two to three in numbers, one of them is deposited with the bank again,” Prema explained.
Town decides to stop using fiat currency and embrace the goat standard. Livestock has been used for trade in free societies for years. Glade to see them go back to sound money: The Goat Standard. And unlike gold, goats generate new goats.
From Tow Truck FAIL
This is probably the nerdiest thing I’ve been sent in oh, two or three days.Read the comments on this post…
Nic Cage is like a peanut allergy to me. I can't even go see a movie that was processed in the same factory as a Nic Cage movie.
Best insult ever.
If he becomes governor of Colorado, Tea Partier Dan Maes will remind citizens that “freedom originates in a Supreme Ruler of the Universe,” according to his Web site. In her campaign materials, New Jersey congressional candidate and Tea Partier Anna C. Little rhapsodizes the “inalienable rights by our Creator, among them Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness” and touts strict border control as “the first step in the process of regaining control of our Republic.” As you read these sentences, your first question is surely: Why do these and other Tea Party candidates hold the rules of capitalization in such contempt?
Hmm? Teabonics has a punctuation equivalent?
Oklahoma voters vote to ban Sharia law in their state.
Next year they will ban division by zero and levitation.
Sex workers in rural Spain are being forced to wear yellow fluorescent safety vests while renting their bodies in traffic or pay a fine. It’s just another way the Spanish are embracing the concept of safer sex.
The daily wtf.
WASHINGTON-Conceding almost certain Republican gains in next month’s crucial midterm elections, Democratic lawmakers vowed Tuesday not to give up without making one final push to ensure their party runs away from every major legislative victory of the past two years.
Sad because it’s true.
WASHINGTON-According to recent media reports, Democrats stand to lose as many as 8,000 congressional seats and more than 917 gubernatorial races in November’s midterm elections.
Reporting as only the Onion can.
It’s 12/11/10 09:08:07.
Stricken with cancer and fragile from chemotherapy, author and Slate columnist Christopher Hitchens is standing by his atheist beliefs: He will not take part in a prayer day devoted to him.
From Video: Christopher Hitchens won’t attend a prayer day in his honor. - - Slate Magazine
I’m declaring Friday Oct 29th to be Don’t Pray for Hitchens Day. I am calling on non-believers and believers alike to not pray for him.
A reader writes:
The Tea Partiers were created by Republicans.
They look and feel like Republicans.
There are many copies.
And they have a plan. (Maybe)
From Quote For The Day
Too good not to share
After serving 30 months in the Navy and participating in four overseas invasions during World War II, comedian Lenny Bruce went to the sick bay on the U.S.S. Brooklyn in May 1945 to report that he was feeling a little gay.
From Lenny Bruce’s Gay Naval Ruse
This just may be the funniest Lenny Bruce bit ever and it played to an audience of one. Don’t ask, don’t tell, laugh hysterically?
The problem with the JournoList scandal is the problem with a lot of right wing news: It’s not happening on Earth I, where you and I live. Like the Black Panthers taking over the Justice Department, or Shirley Sherrod’s night raids on Andrew Breitbart’s small family farm or Glenn Beck’s lonely one-man struggle against the Tides Foundation, it exists in a parallel universe that only superficially resembles our own.
A universe where straight, rich white men are the only victims of anything, ever, and shrieking like an infant is their only defense; where Christianity and capitalism are in constant peril, where black lesbians and the very, very poor run everything and Iran has the Bomb and we don’t.
From Chris Kelly: Why You Don’t Care About JournoList
He forgot Soros. George Soros secretly controls everything.
A week after banning women from smoking water pipes in public places, the Hamas-run police force has told stores selling women’s underwear to remove scantily-clad mannequins and any posters of racy undergarments.
From Hamas targets women’s underwear in modesty drive - Yahoo! News
Glad to hear that things are going so well in Gaza that Hamas can finally target the problem of mannequin underwear.
That oil has been in the gulf for 90 days now. Guess it’s time to drain all the oil out and replace it with fresh oil.
Gareth Remblance pointed out: “Horse boy isn’t a person, it’s a cheap mask - for example I saw at least three people wearing similar heads at this year’s Download Festival in Donington.”
From Mystery surrounds ‘horse-boy’ on Google Street View
Yet another oddity preserved on Google Street view.
From Have aliens hijacked Voyager 2 spacecraft | The Daily Telegraph
the spacecraft is sending back what sounds like an answer: Signals in an unknown data format!
The best scientific minds have so far not been able to decipher the strange information is it a secret message?
Alien expert Hartwig Hausdorf said:”It seems almost as if someone had reprogrammed or hijacked the probe thus perhaps we do not yet know the whole truth”
I’ll be first to suggest that its been p0wned by aliens and is now beaming tentacle fertility spam back to earth.
Shit Chew Scientist of the Month. That’s her real name.
ESCONDIDO, CA-Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.From Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source
I think I know that guy.
I can haz bible?
A man who apparently wasn’t wearing pants has been accused of harassing a neighbor’s horse. The Tri-City Herald reported the horse’s owner spotted a bald man without any pants chasing the horse about 3:30 a.m. Friday in a corral. Benton County sheriff’s deputies identified a 26-year-old man, who lives next door, as the suspect and he was jailed for investigation of trespassing.From: Pantless man accused of harassing neighbor’s horse
I can’t help but think that the phrase apparently wasn’t wearing pants was added on the insistence of some copy editor looking to mitigate any possibility of correction or apology.
Michael Schumacher comes out of retirement to race again. I wonder if he’ll do the entire race with his left blinker on.
karmakazesal posted a photo:
Juice truck seen on Prospect Park West. Clearly run by pirates. Vegan pirates.
Looking forward to Htrae day next fall.
Have you ever noticed that the states where anti-tax sentiment is strongest are frequently the same states that get way more back from the federal government than they send in? Alaska gets $1.84 for every tax dollar it sends to Washington, which is a rate of return even Bernard Madoff never pretended to achieve. Yet there they were in Ketchikan waving "Taxed Enough Already!" signs and demanding an end to federal spending.From Op-Ed Columnist - Twitters From Texas - NYTimes.com
Irony too good not to share.
People who drive Hummers receive almost five times as many traffic tickets as the average driver, according to a new study.Hummer Drivers Get More Tickets. A Lot More. | Autopia from Wired.com
And in other news, studies show the ground gets wet when it rains.
Dennis Myrie is so much more than a guy who can effortlessly slide between the many simultaneously occurring dimensions of the known universe. For instance, I also play the banjo.I Don’t Define Myself By My Ability To Travel Between Dimensions | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source
Normally I wouldn’t comment on an article with the headline Cocaine and White Teens. But this one carries the byline, Charles M Blow.
Anurag Dikshit, the former director of Gibraltar-based PartyGaming, has agreed to cooperate with authorities probing the web-based gambling scene. It’s illegal to allow those on American soil to access online wagering sites. Under a deal with prosecutors, Dikshit faces a maximum two years behind bars under his Tuesday guilty plea to one count of violating the Wire Act.(.pdf) Dikshit founded party gaming in 1997. In 2006, Forbes magazine declared him the world’s 207th richest person.Dikshit Guilty of Internet Gambling | Threat Level from Wired.com
That’s his real name.
Money’s scarceThe moral and aesthetic nightmare of Christmas. - By Christopher Hitchens - Slate Magazine
Times are hard
Here’s your f******
Hitchens gets a card from Phyllis Diller then compares Christmas to North Korea. Someone send him some eggnog before he sobers up and hurts himself.
Twilight seems to answer the question, what would Buffy the Vampire Slayer be like if Buffy didn’t slay vampires? And wasn’t witty. Or funny. And Buffy was annoying, hapless and helpless.
This is a question that didn’t need to be asked.
“On his new planet, Kal-Al’s Earth physiology will react to the radiation of a differently colored sun, causing him to develop abilities far beyond those of mortal men,” political analyst Sig Schuster said. “He will be faster than a speeding Prius, stronger than the existing Superfund program, and able to leap mountains of red tape in a single bound. These superpowers will sustain him in his never-ending battle against conservatives, wealthy industrialists, and other environmental supervillains.”Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source
Best onion article I’ve seen in months.
In many marriages, Oprah is the other woman.
“So my name is a footnote in American legal history, which I’m perversely kind of proud of,” Carlin told The Associated Press.Comedian George Carlin Dies at 71 | The Underwire from Wired.com
It is very rare that a person can be funny for two decades. Extremely rare for someone it be funny for three. Carlin was funny for more than four. Carlin belongs in that exclusive club of people that who remained current and witty until the end.
A list of the dirtiest racehorse names includes a horse named Date More Minors.
If Gilligan’s Island was remade for the Food Network.
|Gilligan’s Island||Food Network|
|Thurston Howell III||Emeril Lagasse|
|Ginger||Giada De Laurentiis|
|The Professor||Alton Brown|
I see dead people all the time, they're everywhere they don't know they're deadHaikuvies - Fun Mix of Movies and Haiku
The 6th sense, now in Haiku form.
When I was ten or eleven I saw Ben Hur on a tiny black and white TV. The chariot race convinced the reptile parts of my brain that Charlton Heston was the coolest person on earth.
Within a week some friends and I started going to the local super market and re-enacting the chariot races with
stolen borrowed shopping carts. One guy would be the rider and stand in the cart holding a jump rope or something similar. The other guy would wrap the rope around his waist and be the horse. We would run around the parking area of the supermarket until they chased us away. Or someone needed a tetanus shot.
I call that period in my life the stupid years. When someone suggests riding your bicycle down a flight of stairs, you think cool. In the mind of an eleven year old boy the word cool is a synonym for potentially life threatening. It is also the time when your obsession with candy, toys and cartoons hasn’t fully switched into an obsession for girls, cars and music. And for some reason, you think Ninjas are really cool. I think that is the true spirit of the Idiotarod.
I have one quick thought on the writers strike. Why aren’t the striker’s signs better? They should have creative, snappy slogans. They should have witty, catchy chants. The speeches given to the news crews should be moving. Or at least touching. What gives?
A few days back, I was lazily browsing the net - when suddenly I discovered that I have Schizophrenia. No, I did not get a hallucination that my dual monitors suddenly changed into a two headed beast. Nor did I hallucinate about anything else. What happened was that I stumbled upon a page about schizophrenia. To my shock, I had all the symptoms described in that page. Not just me - all the programmers I knew had Schizophrenia as well.From 30 Reasons Why All Programmers Are Schizophrenics at BinnyVA
If time travel causes Schizodonniedarkosis, maybe Java programming causes Schizojavosis and perl programming causes Schizoperlosis?
On October 7, 2006, Alex Roy set out from the Classic Car Club on Hudson Street in New York City. His self-assigned mission: Beat the record for a cross-country drive to Los Angeles. That record, set in 1983, is 32 hours and 7 minutes. To achieve his goal, Roy and his copilot, Dave Maher, would need to average at least 90 miles per hour.From The Route Coast to Coast
I’m sorry, but if you aren’t riding with Dom Deluise while trying to out run Jamie Farr and a host of paper thin ethnic and social stereotypes; what’s the point?
A Malawi couple has completed adoption paperwork for Sean Preston Federline, 2, and Jayden James Federline, 1, after their mother, Britney Spears, lost custody of the children Monday.From African family to adopt Britney’s kids. - By Ellen Tarlin - Slate Magazine
Slate beats The Onion to the best humorous headline of the year.
In an emblematic move intended to stand in for the official symbolic reprimand of the president, a vehemently well-mannered mob of demonstrators censured an effigy of George W. Bush Tuesday, making known its displeasure over such actions as illegal wiretapping and the politically motivated firing of federal lawyers.From Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy
The Onion answers the question, what if activists and bloggers were as spineless as their elected representatives.
Cats think in a unique way that has been harnessed by many of the great programming languages.From A Word In Your Ear: Object oriented programming for cats
An interesting and humorous discussion on how to develop an algorithm that mimics cat behavior.
The United Arab Emirates newspaper splashed its front page with a picture of Abdul Rahman surrounded by his children, the eldest of whom is 36 years old and the youngest of whom is 20 days old. Two of his current three wives are also pregnant.From UAE father of 78 eyes new brides for century target - Oddly Enough - Reuters.com
Abdul Rahman said his large family lived in 15 houses. He supports them with his military pension and the help of the government of Ajman, one of seven emirates that comprise the UAE, which includes the Gulf trade and tourism hub of Dubai.
Good news ladies, he is going to need at least three more wives to hit that 100 mark.
Authorities are questioning a man caught with a monkey on a plane that landed at LaGuardia yesterday.From NY1: Top Stories
Is that a monkey in your pocket or are you just happy the plane landed? I bet the TSA detained him because the monkey weighed more than four ounces and didn’t easily fit in a pint sized zip-loc bag.
For our latest mission, over 50 redheads rode the subway together and protested a Manhattan Wendy’ s for their “ racist logo.” Enjoy the videos first and then go behind the scenes with our mission report, photos, and more videos below.Redheads at Improv Everywhere
I’m going to suggest an IE where a bunch of swarthy portly guys protest in front of a pizzeria that uses the standard fat pizza guy statue. I’m sure I can grow the perquisite mustache in an afternoon.
From the NYT, Crop Fungus Has North Dakota Longing for Hemp. Best headline since the ‘04 Anarchists fail to agree. Follow up headline will be Hemp has North Dokata Longing for Cheetos
I think I invented a new type of mental illness. schizodonniedarkosis. A form of Schizophrenia induced by the mental stresses of time travel.
Save yourself (and your money) by browsing through my images rather than attending the museum. I’ve documented the entire thing right here, with the exception of a few videos.From: Behold the Creation Museum - a photoset on Flickr
Funny, sad, creepy. Take your pick. No where near as fun as the eventual Ptolemy Planetarium they’ll add.
Pork is essentially synonymous with barbecue in my area of the South, so the Lil’ Pig barbecue from Traeger makes sense in a creepy meta-way if you can get past the doe-eyed cuteness. The grill boasts 418 sq. inches of cooking surface, an internal hopper, a stainless steel door handle and a multi-position digital thermostat control.
This looks like something out of a Southern County Fair, as filmed by David Lynch.
As the weblog News Hounds noted, on the May 7 edition of Fox News’ The O’Reilly Factor, host Bill O’Reilly declared that “The Factor is lifting the boycott of France” due to the recent election of conservative candidate Nicolas Sarkozy as France’s next president.From Media Matters
Well in that case, I’m calling off my boycott of Mars. Feel free to start buying Buggalo meat again.
This week Slate is publishing three excerpts from Christopher Hitchens’ new book, God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything.From Slate Magazine
Finally, a book critical on religion from the only atheist more pompous, self righteous and infuriatingly arrogant than Richard Dawkins. I hope this book is successful enough to bloat Hitchens already swollen ego the tiny bit need before it becomes so massive it collapses in on itself and forms a black hole. A chain smoking black hole with a British accent.
My gmail spam box is filed with offers for sex, drugs and wildly speculative gambles that are sure to make me very rich. Or very poor. I realized that spam is like Vegas without the fun. What happens in my spam box, stays in my spam box.
“I see a lot of deer and I’ve never seen anything like that,” he said. “It just was a rarity. It was something different that you never see.”From Seven-legged deer involved in crash
I wonder where bigfoot was while this was happening.
Despite their impressive exploits of late-seizing oil platforms off the coast of Nigeria and, memorably, firing rockets at a cruise ship off Somalia-modern maritime pirates have been robbed of the mystique that once made them stars of the criminal underworld. A steady increase over the last decade in the number of thefts, hijackings, and killings at sea, along with a disingenuous PR campaign led by the United States, have put pirates in company with al-Qaida. It’s a bum rap.From Slate Magazine
GWOP. The Global War on Pirates. Argh. I guess Pirates are the new Mobsters much how Belly dancing is the new Yoga and smart phones are the new iPods.
Anyone who opposes the indefinite occupation of Iraq shouldn’t be labeled an al-Qaida supporter. That’s like saying that if I tell my exterminator that there are more efficient ways to rid the house of vermin than hitting them with a hammer, I’m “for the rats.”Bill Maher on Salon
John Cusack won a temporary restraining order Tuesday against a woman he claims has been stalking him for more than 18 months.From ABC News
Anyone else imagine that woman standing in front of a beat-up car; holding a radio over her head, while Peter Gabriel music plays?
6/6/06 is Emo Kid Beat Down Day. Finally some good news.
Funny. But shouldn’t it be a hand climbing out of Sfogliatelle?
“Kabbalah,” which is an Off-Off-Broadway religious satirical romp in which cast members get naked…From Howard Stern’s Daughter Strips
I’m a big fan of Ethan Lipton. Its very hard not to be entertained by a crooner whose ballads mention yoga positions, Martian juice and women who work at Renaissance Faires. The latter being described as having hair smelling of steak.
It is really hard to call him a comedian as his songs really don’t follow any joke format. They aren’t parodies. There is irony and amazing comic timing but it is really hard to pick out a joke. Lipton’s music is funny in the way a puppy chasing his tail is funny.
CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These YearsFrom The Onion
LANGLEY, VA-The most crucial passages of U.S. intelligence have been emphasized with indelible black highlighters.
What to know why I refuse to sign up to myspace? This says it all.
paris hilton + paris riots = paris hilton riots
Google news reports 17 hits. I’m wondering if this might be a cool new net-sport. Take a news item and mash in a celebrity name and see how many hits are produced.
What can you say about a story that involves cheer leaders, lesbianism and a drunken bar-room cat fight? If it involved a car chase and/or a jet pack, it would be the perfect guy story.
Last week I overheard someone on the Subway talking about music with someone I assume was a friend. This guy was wearing a Ramones shirt. The one with the the names of the band members wrapped around what looks like the Seal of the United States.
Some the guy wearing the Ramones shirt is complaining about Rap/Rock fusion bands stating that those bands can’t play their instruments that they can’t sing and that their acts are all attitude.
If irony could kill, this man would have been struck dead where he slouched; ipodded and fully hipster accessorized. You could accuse the Ramones of many things. But you can hardly accuse them of waiting to learn how to play before they started their musical career. I imagine that if you asked them what Juilliard was, they would guess that had something to do with cutting carrots.
Anatomically Correct Gingerbread boys and Gingerbread girls. NWS if you work in a bakery.
I bought a copy of The Truth, with Jokes yesterday…and got my copy signed by Al Franken. I’ve been listening to his show via podcast for a year now and can highly recommend his show as a few hours of entertaining news and political discussion somewhere between NPR and The Daily Show. Oh, and jokes. Funny stuff.
Which gets me to my point. During Franken’s reading, he mentioned the oft quoted liberal french wieney canard. While he was signing my book, I mentioned that technically, wieners are German. Also, Germans have the exact opposite reputation that the French do. Germans have a well earned reputation for hard work, serious take charge demeanor, drinking beer, and building great cars. So how the hell did wieney become an insult meaning ineffectual?
Makes me wonder if bullets are kosher
Your own personal Jesus, in toast form.
Any headline that includes the words bomb and smurfs needs no other explanation.