The Onion

A Second Chance: This Amazing Organization Helps Disgraced Pedophiles Rebuild Their Lives By Getting Them Elected To Political Office


For many pedophiles, it’s impossible to make ends meet. These sex criminals are often shunned both socially and professionally, making it extremely difficult for them to find any sort of gainful employment.
via A Second Chance: This Amazing Organization Helps Disgraced Pedophiles Rebuild Their Lives By Getting Them Elected To Political Office

I Don’t Support Feminism If It Means Murdering All Men

I Don’t Support Feminism If It Means Murdering All Men:

Like any other socially conscious woman, I am a firm believer in gender equality. Ending workplace discrimination, making reproductive health care affordable—I’ve championed these goals my whole life. They’re important to me, and that’s why the feminist movement frustrates me so much. I’m sorry, but I simply cannot and will not support feminism if it means murdering all men.

The Onion. This is just too funny.

Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City

Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City:

Drenched in drying blood and limping slightly, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg triumphantly stated this morning that the city’s longstanding homeless problem had finally been solved. “Homelessness is over—it’s not a problem anymore,” a winded Bloomberg said to a City Hall press conference while gripping the lectern tightly to prevent his hands from shaking. “I fixed the problem. Problem solved.” 


The Onion. Wow. 

Layoffs Are Necessary If We Want To Keep The Lights On Says CEO Halfway Through Tasting Menu

Layoffs Are Necessary If We Want To Keep The Lights On,' Says CEO Halfway Through Tasting Menu The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Following a 20-minute period in which the executive and his colleague sampled a lobster broth hors doeuvre arriving compliments of the chef and listened to the maitre d explain how the lobster had been flown in from Maine that morning, Byatt reasoned that, although it pained him to say so, his company could definitely stand to lose about a dozen people in sales, and roughly another 15 or 20 in the marketing and production divisions.

Pakistani Intelligence Announces Its Full Cooperation With U.S. Forces During Upcoming Top Secret June 12 Drone Strike On Al-Qaeda At 5:23 A.M. Near Small Town Of Razmani In North Waziristan | The Onion - America's Finest News Source